


Relapse

by SimplyKorra



Series: Seeking Balance [2]
Category: Avatar: Legend of Korra
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/F, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-22
Updated: 2015-07-23
Packaged: 2018-04-05 16:29:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 38,752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4186839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SimplyKorra/pseuds/SimplyKorra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Her body was healed, her bending had returned, and she went to bed every night with the woman she loved. So why did Avatar Korra still feel so broken?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Lies

Korra was running. It wasn't the same, not yet, but the improvement was there and she could feel the muscles in her body reacting better every time she did this. Of course, now wasn't the ideal time to be running. The sun had barely started to rise and the rest of the palace was still sleeping.

 _Sleep_ , Korra thought as she spotted her destination, legs burning and her heart racing. Sleep was fairly unfamiliar these days. It had been months since she'd had a full nights rest. Waking up in the middle of the night was a constant occurrence. Just like this morning. Even though she woke up naked and tangled with Asami, it didn't matter. It didn't chase away the demons that haunted her in the dark. Not forever, though Asami was one of the few things that could make her forget, if only for a few hours.

As she reached the lake, Korra's steps slowed and her arm drew back. She could feel the heat building in her chest and started to redirect it to throughout her body. Once she was close enough, Korra slid to a stop at the edge of the water and threw her fist forward with a primal scream. Fire poured from her hand and flew into the distance.

Turning her body in a full 360, Korra ripped a slab of earth from under the snow and sent it into the water. She then pulled her hands up to gather the rock in the water and hold it up.

Her hands were shaking. The effort it took to rip the rock from the ground was so much more than it used to be. Though she could run and bend again, everything seemed to take more energy. She wasn't one-hundred percent, she knew that, but still, it was taking forever to get there and Korra was tired of feeling useless. If she could just hold this rock up for ten more seconds, she—

"Ah!" she cried out as her back started to sting and her legs gave out. The rock fell into the water with a heavy splash as Korra dropped to her knees. Even now, a year removed from taking her first real steps, Korra's body wasn't quite right. Leaning forward, she pressed her hands into the forgiving snow and took a few deep, calming breaths. She wanted to scream; every single day she wanted to stand up and scream until fire poured from her mouth and into the sky.

It was easy to deny her weaknesses. She was still an athlete. Still fast and strong, just not Avatar strong, not ready to be the Avatar she once was.

The longer it took to return to form, the more she feared her full power might never return at all.

Eventually Korra stood up, not wanting anyone to come across her, even at this early hour, and see their Avatar sprawled out in the snow. She could feel her legs wobble as she stood, the run catching up with her. It would be hell going back, a thought that hadn't entered her mind when she started. However, as she turned around, she saw Naga bounding towards her and smiled.

"Hey girl," Korra cried as Naga stopped in front of her and nuzzled her giant head into Korra's chest. "You saw my mistake before I did." Naga huffed, pushing her nose into Korra's chin before licking her face. "Alright!" Korra chuckled. "Thanks girl."

With that, she hopped onto Naga's back and rode back to the palace. The city proper was just starting to wake up as Naga strode through town. Shops were opening, a few random early risers were walking the streets and heading to work. Korra envied them, envied their purpose. It was hard to wake up every morning and do nothing. She had a duty, and Korra knew the Earth Kingdom was in bad shape. She wanted to help; it was her job to help; they were suffering because she failed. Because she couldn't stop Zaheer from killing the Earth Queen, from nearly killing off the Air Nation, from taking her and—

Her eyes closed and suddenly she could see Zaheer flying from the sky towards her, his eyes vindictive, his intention clear. It felt like she was suffocating. She forced her eyes open and felt a scream die in her throat. Korra could hear herself panting, her blood pulsing with the rapid beat of her heart. Her fists were knotted through Naga's fur and as the world refocused, she realized they weren't moving anymore.

Glancing down from atop Naga, she could see a passerby staring up at her with worry in her aged eyes. Korra forced a smile, which only seemed to concern the woman more. Eventually she left and Korra let out a breath and noticed they were next to a sweet shop.

_it would be nice to do something for Asami. Also you won't look like an idiot for stopping in the middle of the street._

Korra climbed off Naga and carefully planted her feet onto the ground. Her muscles seemed to have recovered more from her run. "Hang on, girl. I'm gonna go get some sugar cakes." She grinned and stepped into the barely open shop. Asami was going to kill her for bringing sweets to breakfast. Perhaps, though, that would quell the frustration of Korra abandoning her in the middle of the night again.

"Good morning, Avatar!" The man behind the counter beamed. Korra had done this a few times, sneaking out to bring treats to Asami. Usually to assuage the guilt she felt for closing herself off. It was easier this way.

"Good morning, Jin." She returned his smile, pulling up a stool at the counter and digging through the pockets of her pants.

"Four sugar cakes, I presume?" He was already pulling them from the display and bagging them up as he asked. Korra sat a few yuans down on the table. "Avatar Korra," he frowned, pushing the yuans back to her. "You know your money is no good here."

Korra chuckled. "Take it, Jin. Please. You make the best sugar cakes, worth more than you charge. It's fine."

With a humble sigh, he pulled the yuans off the table and handed Korra the bag.

She left with a quick goodbye and put the bag between her teeth as she began to pull herself onto Naga again.

"Are you really the Avatar?" She stopped halfway up and looked back, bag still in her mouth, at a little boy standing in the doorway of the sweet shop.

Korra took the bag and laid it onto Naga's back. "Yeah, that's me." The boy was young, maybe five if she had to guess. He was barely peeking his head out the door, the rest of him hidden behind it. "What's your name?"

He lowered his head shyly. "Sokka." Korra felt her throat tighten at the sound of that name. It wasn't unfamiliar. After everything he did with Aang during the end of the hundred year war, the name Sokka was quite popular amongst both the Southern and Northern tribes.

"Hi Sokka," Korra smiled. "I'm Korra." She stepped down off Naga and knelt down to match his eye level. "You have a very cool name."

He grinned. "Daddy named me after his favorite war hero!"

"I know, I knew Sokka when I was little." This made him glow. "He was very close to me." As the door opened more, Korra could see Jin behind the counter, watching the exchange with a warm smile. "Oh, you're Jin's son?" He nodded briskly. "Aw, it's nice to meet you. Your dad keeps trying to make me and my girlfriend fat!"

Jin let out a hearty chuckle. "I don't deliver sweets to you, Avatar Korra."

Korra looked up to smile at Jin but it died on her lips. He was grinning at her, but standing right beside him was the figure that haunted her. Bright, white eyes shone directly at her, making Korra stand up in a rush and take a step back.

Sokka seemed off put by her sudden movements. "S—sorry. I should really get back." It wasn't until she bumped into Naga that Korra realized she'd been backing away the entire time. Through the slightly open door, those glowing eyes still stared at her. Korra could feel her hands shaking as she forced herself to turn around and climb onto Naga's back.

Without another word, she clicked her tongue and Naga started off towards the palace. Korra couldn't help but notice the disappointment on the little boy's face at her sudden retreat.

_Just what the world needs, an Avatar scared by a ghost. You're worthless._

By the time she returned to the palace, Korra had all but shaken her earlier encounter and had plastered a very convincing smile on her face.

The first person she saw was her mother, sitting at the kitchen table with a hot drink, still trying to wake up.

"Hey Korra," she said, a warm smile on her face as she put her cup down. "Another early morning I see?"

It was still hard for Korra to maintain eye contact with her, even a year later. Not because she feared seeing those glowing eyes again, but because she was ashamed that she had at all. "Yeah," she flicked her gaze up for a moment. "I went for a run with Naga, bought Asami some sugar cakes."

"That's nice, sweetie." Senna stood up from her chair. "Do you want some tea? We could sit and talk. I think Asami is still asleep."

_Talk about what?_

Korra absolutely wanted to sit and talk with her mom. They hadn't had a real conversation in months. It was hard, though, because Korra didn't know what to say. She felt like her life hadn't changed at all once she started walking. Yes, she was getting stronger and her bending had returned, but she still wasn't ready to be the Avatar again, no matter how often she tried to convince herself otherwise.

The answer " _no, I'm fine_ " was right there on the tip of her tongue, but Korra made the mistake of looking up at the disappointment already building in Senna's eyes from her hesitation.

"O—okay." She nodded before pulling out a chair and sitting down. "I'll have a little."

"Great!" Senna beamed, moving to the stove and pouring Korra a cup. Soon enough there was a cup of tea sitting in front of her, steam pouring from the top and the last thing Korra wanted was to drink it. "How have you been, sweetheart?"

_I ran away from a little boy today because I'm being chased by something that isn't real._

"Fine." She smiled, forcing the tea to her lips. She couldn't talk if she was drinking. When she look at her mom, she could see Senna's frown and it made her stomach hurt. Lying to her mother was not something Korra enjoyed but it didn't make any sense to try and explain what happened this morning. It would only happen again five or six more times today and what if she saw that glow in her mother's eyes again? Korra wasn't sure she could handle it.

"You're always fine," Senna sighed. "You don't  _act_  fine, though. You didn't yesterday, or the week before and you certainly don't now." She reached across the table and laid her hand across Korra's. "You can talk to me, Korra. You can talk to all of us."

Korra could feel the heat burning in the back of her eyes. She knew if she tried to speak, it would break in her throat and the fact that she was not fine would become obvious. She closed her eyes and took a long, deep breath and exhaled, willing the tears away. When she opened them again, she saw the figure standing in front of her. In a way, she found it comforting, a reminder that she was far too gone to be fixed by morning tea with her mother.

"I'm just tired." She looked back at her mom, smiling as brightly as she could and seeing the flash of disappointment in her mom's usually comforting eyes. She needed to be away from this room-the walls were starting to close in. Standing up, Korra picked up her tea and the bag of sugar cakes. "I should get these to Asami, but I'm okay, Mom. I promise. We'll do something later, okay?"

"Okay," Senna's smile returned, though it looked as false as Korra's own smile felt. "I love you, Korra."

"You too, Mom."

As fast as she could without running, Korra strode out of the kitchen and began her trek to the room she shared with Asami.

She wasn't hard to find. Asami sat on the edge of the bed, rubbing her eyes and slightly more dressed than Korra had left her in the middle of the night. She was wearing a red shirt with a Future Industries logo patched on the left arm, hair disheveled and legs still bare.

"Morning," Korra said, holding up the bag and her unfinished cup of tea. "Breakfast delivery."

Asami stared up at her, and Korra could tell the 'chipper morning' routine wasn't working. Then again, it hadn't worked since the third or fourth time she tried it.

"I'm not hungry." Asami stood up and the red shirt cascaded down her hips. Korra bit her lip. Asami was so gorgeous and moments like this always made Korra feel like such an idiot. She had the most beautiful girl in the world in her bed every single night, and she couldn't find the courage to lay with her until morning anymore. "I wish you'd—" Asami stopped herself with a sigh and instead started for the bathroom.

"Wish I'd what?" Korra asked, unsure why she was even bothering. She put the food down and followed Asami.

Stopping at the sink, Asami turned around and leaned back against it. She looked torn between anger and desperation. Korra thought for a second about closing the distance between them and hugging her. She hated that she was the one bringing Asami any of this angst. It was unfair to her, unfair to her mother. She just wanted it to stop. She was tired of tearing people down.

"I  _wish_  you'd wake me up in the night when you can't sleep. I could help. I want to help, Korra."

_That's the problem, Asami._

"I know," Korra swallowed thickly. "I know. I don't…I don't want to keep you up every night just because I can't sleep. It's easier for me to go outside and clear my head, spend some time with Naga. You can't sleep all day like she can." She laughed as she finished, trying to brighten the conversation but it didn't work.

Asami stared deeply into Korra's eyes and she found herself wavering under the intense shade of green looking back at her. "Korra, you know you can wake me up for anything." Asami pushed off the sink and took a few steps towards Korra, reaching out to wrap her hands on her shoulders. "If you're having nightmares, I can help with that. I don't know what happened, but lately it seems like you don't  _want_  my help anymore."

Korra shook her head quickly. "No, I do...I just...I don't need your help with every—that came out wrong. Look...I just—this happens too often for me to be ok with bothering you about it."

"I just want you to make it through an entire night. That's three times this week I've woken up and you weren't there." Asami sighed, dropping her hands. "I don't want to sound needy but…it's usually after we have sex and…that's a little unsettling."

The look on Asami's face broke Korra's heart. The answer was so simple. She felt it on the tip of her tongue. _It's not you, it's me. Nights spent with you are the only time I feel like myself. I hate that I'm hiding so much from you, waking up next to you and knowing I'm hiding makes me sick to my stomach. Tell her this. Tell her!_

"It's not that," Korra finally said, her throat scratchy.

The grip on her arms returned. "You…you'd tell me if something was really wrong right? If your back is bothering you, or anything like that?"

More guilt. "It's not my back, Asami, I promise. I just wake up and get  _restless_...there's no use for us both to be up when I can't sleep. It's okay." She smiled and it felt more genuine than any she'd offered today. It was no lie that her problems were her problems, nothing that Asami needed to worry herself over. Just because Korra couldn't handle it on her own didn't mean Asami needed to be dragged down with her.

"Okay," Asami sighed with a slight nod. Looking decidedly unconvinced but clearly tired of trying. "I'm gonna take a shower then. Do you want to do anything today?"

Korra shrugged, a weight on her chest at the distant look in Asami's eyes. She needed to fix this. She could push her parents away, but she needed Asami, the only person in the world who chased her demons off.

Reaching out, Korra stroked her thumb over Asami's chin and grinned. "Can I shower with you? I just went for a run and…I could use it."

"Korra," Asami tried to resist but when the hand on her face suddenly cupped her cheek, she nestled into it. Korra saw her opening and closed the gap, pulling Asami in for a kiss. She kissed Asami hard, trying to convey a week's worth of apologies in one moment, silently pleading for Asami to accept her request, so she could do the only thing that would make their relationship feel as comfortable as it was supposed to be.

When the kiss broke, Asami rested her forehead on Korra's and licked her lips. "Next time you have a nightmare or you can't sleep, you  _promise_  me you'll wake me up." Korra sighed. "I mean it,  _promise_  me."

"Okay," Korra nodded before giving Asami another chaste kiss. "I promise."

As Asami stepped back and took her hand to guide her into the bathroom, Korra couldn't help but worry at how easy it had become to lie to the people she loved.


	2. Nightmares and Daydreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The lights of a festival brings happiness, the darkness of the night brings fear, the touch of Asami brings comfort.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You're all amazing. I wanted to respond to all the comments and all the feedback but I just...I was so overwhelmed. Thank you, seriously. This story is really special to me and I just...thank you.

Korra couldn't be completely sure how she did it, but somehow Asami managed to look good, even in a fluffy blue coat. She'd grown quite fond of the jacket Senna had bought her a few months back. Being naturally accustomed to warmer weather, Asami wore out the first one, so this new jacket was top of the line and Korra couldn't believe how well Asami wore it.

Nights like tonight were great. When they could just be a couple. No pressure, no drama or healing sessions, just the two of them. The Glacier Spirits Festival was Korra's favorite time of the year in the south. Something about the lights and the carnival that came around every year made it special. Everyone would come out at night and just…be together. The true meaning of peace and harmony that always made her home feel comfortable.

They walked hand in hand, Asami taking in the lights and asking questions about each game and ride they passed. Last year they hadn't come out for the festival. Korra was barely walking then and had decided early on that she wasn't ready for all the spectacle. That was the word she had used: spectacle. Like it might wear her out to see so much at once.

The truth was, she didn't want to  _be_  the spectacle. The once-Avatar, now-limping shell of a girl takes her new girlfriend for a night out.

No, it was better now. There was no limp, and her back only hurt in the early mornings after sleeping next to Naga, or workouts where she pushed too hard. All of her problems were easy enough to hide away from the rest of the world.

Well, most of them.

"What's that one?" Asami pointed as she squeezed Korra's hand.

"You take the sprayer and blast water into the fish's mouths. Mako did it a few years ago and won me a stuffed bison."

Asami glanced back at her with a frown. "He did?"

"Well," Korra thought for a second. "Actually he  _tried_  but he had terrible aim and was simultaneously upsetting me, so I took the sprayer from him and did it myself. Still though, he was determined to get me that stuffed bison."

Suddenly, Asami's eyes narrowed and her grip tightened ever more. Soon enough Korra was being dragged away towards the game.

"What are you—"

"Okay," Asami stopped, her hand wrapping around Korra's waist and pulling her in close, almost possessively. Korra found herself smirking. "You pick which toy you want."

Korra leveled a curious gaze at her girlfriend. "Uh…I don't know."

"Pick one, any one up there."

She seemed insistent, so Korra looked up at the row of toys and found a very cute turtle-duck. "That one!"

The scroungy gamekeeper huffed. "Turtle-ducks are for main prize winners only. You have to hit the red fish and fill up the bucket completely in ten seconds. It's…next to impossible."

That was when Korra saw Asami's jaw set. "I'm playing for the turtle-duck."

"Alright," the gamekeeper chuckled as his long, messy hair swayed across his face. "Here you go pretty lady." He handed her the sprayer and Asami readied herself into position.

Korra could only watch with a hand covering her mouth to hide the smile she was wearing. Asami set her foot back, trying to balance herself. and tilted her head to aim the sprayer directly into the mouth before the water started coming.

The awe on the game keeper's face was all Korra needed to watch as Asami easily filled up the bucket with water and the lights and sounds started to go off at her victory.

"How did you… _do_  that?" he asked, pulling down the turtle-duck and handing it to her.

Asami shrugged. "Proper balance, though the trajectory of the water threw me off for a second. These things are pretty sensitive when you spray them so be careful how much force you use. Once I figured that out I just had to keep it steady." Handing over the toy, Korra gratefully hugged it and laughed at Asami's proud stance. "For you, my love," she said with a bit of extra cheesiness that made Korra flush.

"You're such a dork," Korra whispered before leaning in to give Asami a quick kiss. "You know…Mako only won me  _one_  toy. I wanted him to win me two but—"

"But he was no Asami Sato."

Korra laughed as Asami picked up the sprayer again. "No, he certainly wasn't."

A few minutes later, Korra found herself walking around with a turtle-duck under each arm as Asami picked at a bit of cotton candy.

"This is fun," she said, brushing her shoulder against Korra's.

It  _was_  fun. She was pushing so hard to make sure it stayed that way. It was why she was ignoring the set of glowing eyes that seemed to move from station to station as they walked, stalking her across the grounds. If she pretended it wasn't there, she could maintain the illusion that this was a normal date and she was just a normal girl.

"Do you want to ride the ferris wheel?" Asami asked, pointing to the large ride in the distance.

Korra followed her hand and could only focus on the figure standing within the intricate bars of the ride. It just…stood there, staring down at her like it's eyes might burn off her skin if she drew in too close. Korra felt her body numb for a moment and dropped one of the turtle-ducks into the snow.

"Dammit," she cursed as she bent down to pick it up.

Asami chuckled. "It's okay. I don't think your stuffed duck is going to be upset."

 _It's not okay!_  Korra screamed internally, dropping to a knee as she suddenly felt short of breath. Apparently she stayed down too long because Asami was suddenly face to face with her a moment later.

"Hey? You okay?" Korra looked up past her, back to the ferris wheel and saw the figure still looming there, taunting her. Reminding her how not okay she was.

She swallowed away the tremor building in her throat. "I'm fine. Can we…skip the ferris wheel though? I uh…"  _I want to leave. I want to crawl into my bed and scream into my pillow because I can't be okay with you for one night and I hate it_. She wanted to run. It would be easier to run away and hide. But Asami was having so much fun, their night had been so great, and Korra wanted it to continue. She would do anything to keep it going. "I'm actually kind of hungry."

Despite her own smile, Asami's face was still colored with concern, but she nodded nonetheless. "Okay, are you sure you're alright?"

"Yeah," Korra stood up quickly, both turtle-ducks secure in her arms. "Just light headed from watching you be your usual amazing self with that water sprayer."

Asami smiled, but it didn't reach her eyes. "I do what I can to impress you."

"You'll impress me if you carry one of these giant ducks." She then handed one over and Asami held it with both hands while chuckling.

"They are cute."

Korra shrugged. "I can think of cuter things."

"Now who's being cheesy?"

—

_"You look beautiful."_

_Korra watched Asami through the mirror, standing behind her and adjusting the shoulders of Korra's dress. It wasn't her usual color-it was black and Korra thought it made her eyes darker. Asami's dress matched and together they made quite the somber couple._

_Korra smiled when Asami rubbed her hand up and down her back. "I don't think they've forgiven me."_

_Asami smiled sadly. "No, I don't either. But you'll be okay, just breathe."_

_"Just breathe," Korra repeated. "Like fighting poison."_

_"Oh no, sweetheart," Asami chuckled. "You'll never escape the poison. You breathe for everyone else. But the breath you take in means nothing to you. You don't deserve it. "_

_With a nod, Korra smoothed her hands over her dress once more. "I don't deserve it."_

_"Come on," Asami called and Korra turned to see her holding a hand out. She gratefully accepted it and Asami led her out of the small bedroom on Air Temple Island._

_It was so quiet. Korra couldn't remember the island being this quiet since the first few months she was here, when the only airbenders in the world were Tenzin and his family._

_"No," Asami said, a bit forcefully. "You're not allowed to think about them, remember? You don't deserve it."_

_"Right." Korra pursed her lips as she silently cursed herself. "I don't deserve it."_

_Asami's smile calmed Korra down, just like it always did, forcing down that bitter bile that climbed up there throat at the thought of how worthless she was. Asami was enough. Asami was all she had._

_"Are my parents here?"_

_Green eyes glanced back at her as they stepped outside. "No, Korra. They're not here. Why would they be?"_

_Korra frowned. "To support me?" Her stomach twisted into knots at the thought of them being away from her. She needed them; she needed her dad to hold her and her mom to kiss her temple and tell her it was going to be okay._

_"You lost that privilege when you hurt your mother. They want nothing to do with a monster. You know that."_

_Tears prickled in the corners of her eyes. Asami stopped and used the pad of her thumb to gently wipe them away. "I miss them. I miss them so much."_

_"Stop," Asami cooed softly. "You have to stop. If you're selfish you'll have to leave and you can't leave. You have to see the pain you've caused."_

_With a sniffle, Korra nodded again and rubbed her nose. "I'm sorry."_

_"You should be. Now let's go." Asami kissed her again and the pain washed away. The fear and discomfort faded to a numbness that she could handle and she followed Asami to the gathering of people all standing in a circle._

_There was so much black. It seemed strange in this place. No reds and yellows that usually stood so proudly on the island._

_She could see Tenzin, his arrow tattoo crawling up the back of his neck as it poked through the dark black and white robe he wore. Korra had never seen him in such colors. He looked much older._

_"Tenzin?" Asami called. "She's here."_

_Slowly, Tenzin turned to face her. His eyebrows were creased angrily and his gaze was so empty Korra thought she was seeing a stranger._

_"I want you to pick it up and put it down. Do you understand me?"_

_Korra shook her head. "I don't." She looked to Asami. "I don't understand." Suddenly Korra realized that everyone was staring at her, expecting this from her and she had no idea what it was._

_Again, Asami pulled her in close. "You have to suffer, Korra. It's your duty to suffer, remember? You must do this. Pick up the coffin and put it where it belongs."_

_"Wh—what? Coffin? I—I don't—"_

_"You know!" Korra's head snapped at the voice shouting at her. It was Ikki, hatred in her eyes. "You know what you did you filthy monster! Put her in the ground! Put her in the hole we dug where you should be!"_

_Her hands were shaking, and fresh tears spilled down her cheeks as she took a step back. Suddenly, a cold hand wrapped around the back of her neck. It was familiar-the material of Asami's Equalist glove._

_"You will suffer, Korra. It is your duty."_

_Korra let out a strangled sob and shook her head. "Please, Asami…please don't make me do this. I didn't mean to hurt anyone."_

_Asami smiled warmly, her grip tightening. "Liar. Stop lying. Put Jinora in the ground where you belong. After all…she died for you." Asami looked away from her and Korra followed her gaze. Everyone was suddenly gone. Just a small box remained, no bigger than Jinora herself, and a hole in the ground. "She died for you, Korra. Just like the rest of us will."_

_Suddenly Asami was gone, the grip on her neck was gone and Korra was holding Jinora's body in her arms. Lifeless._

_"We'll all die for nothing. Because that's what you are."_

"No," Korra said, her eyes opening to the familiar glow of the night light in her bedroom. Her heart was hammering in her chest as the reality of where she was slowly overtook the realism of the nightmare. It was just that, a nightmare. Jinora wasn't dead, nobody hated her, she didn't deserve—

The crushing sob caught in her throat unexpectedly. She tried to bite it back but couldn't and it ripped through her. Reaching up, Korra covered her mouth as the soft cries started to spill over into the quiet of the night. Asami was next to her, face down on her pillow and fast asleep.

Korra's mind was screaming at her to leave. To not wake Asami up and to run to Naga. To go anywhere but here. Yet, she couldn't. Her crying was too intense, and her body didn't want to move. She needed help, she needed some kind of comfort. She needed Asami.

"S—sami." Her voice was shaky, struggling to overcome the breaths she was losing in her violent sobs. "Asamiiiii." Korra pleaded.

"Hmm," Asami grumbled sleepily. "Korra?" She lifted her head up off the pillow, hair fluttering in her face, and blinked a few times. "What—oh my gosh,  _Korra_!" Asami sat up in a hurry and started blindly reaching for the light. When she found it, Korra rolled onto her side and curled into herself. "Oh Korra," Asami's hands seemed unsure against her body, not knowing where to rest, unsure of what to do. Korra couldn't blame her. She didn't know what to do either-she just  _couldn't_   _stop_  crying.

Eventually, Asami laid back down and faced Korra before pulling her into a hug as tightly as she could.

Closing her eyes, Korra took in the smell of Asami. It was the most familiar and comforting thing she could have. In and out she breathed. Just breathe. The dream version of Asami said that to her. That wasn't the same. That wasn't this Asami.

 _You don't deserve it_.

"Stop," she cried, her voice mumbled in Asami's neck.

That was when Asami's hands stopped running up and down her back. "I—I'm sorry?" Asami pulled away. "Am I hurting you?"

_Calm down, Korra. You have to calm down. You're scaring her._

Inhaling deeply, Korra channeled as much of her mediation training as she could. She needed to find balance, even if it was temporary. She had to  _calm down_.

When she exhaled, Asami's hand was suddenly in her hair, gently stroking through it. Korra felt the tight discomfort in her lungs loosening.

"Spirits," Korra whispered as her voice finally escaped. This seemed to relax Asami against her as well.

A soft pair of lips rested against her forehead. "Korra," Asami breathed against her skin. "Are you okay? That was…a  _really_  bad one."

It had been almost a month since the last time Korra had a nightmare that bad. Bad enough to lock her up to the point that she physically couldn't climb out of bed and run away from it. She kept her eyes closed because looking at Asami would only make her feel worse.

_Are you okay?_

It was such a daunting question sometimes, yet, she had it thrown at her daily. Most of the time it was easy to deflect. A casual smile, a quick " _I'm fine_ " and some excuse about being tired would do the trick.

But it was hard to lie after a breakdown.

"Night—" Her teeth were chattering. "Nightmare."

Asami laughed softly. "I picked up on that. You're shaking, Korra. Do you want to go outside? Get some air."

She nodded. It would feel good to move, to let the cool night hit her and remind her that she was here. Not on Air Temple Island, not burying Jinora, and not hated by everyone she loved.

Asami stood first and Korra suddenly had a feeling of deja vu. For a brief moment, she thought Asami might scoop her up into her arms like she had countless times before.

That first night it happened, when she wet the bed, it had been so embarrassing. She couldn't shake the shame of losing control like that. The shame of anyone, especially Asami, seeing her in that way. Having to clean up after her, wash her messes. Things nobody should have had to do for the Avatar.

Yet, when Asami had cradled her in her arms and carried her to the tub, it actually felt like none of it mattered. If only for that short distance. Asami's arms came to mean safety when she was most vulnerable. Korra went from begrudgingly being carried to needing it.

When Asami stood now, staring down at her on the bed with worried eyes, Korra thought for a moment she might be carried away again.

She wasn't, and when Asami suddenly looked confused, Korra rolled over and swung her legs off the mattress.

"Need help?" Asami asked, stepping around to her side.

Korra shook her head. "No."

Forcing herself up, Korra felt Asami's hand drape across her back and guide her to the balcony. She couldn't help herself-she stepped in close and leaned her head on Asami's shoulder. Another kiss was placed atop her head and Korra soaked up the feeling of being loved.

In a perfect world, this would be enough. Having Asami would chase away all the demons and eventually she could feel worthy enough to return it. She could say I love you and not question its value. There wouldn't be a night where she woke up terrified and miserable.

Yet, after a year and a half, Korra felt like she hadn't made any real progress at all towards peace.

Korra inhaled the cool night air as they stepped outside. She looked back when Asami came out, wrapping Korra's blue, fur lined coat around herself, and more guilt washed over her.

"Here," Korra said as she forced heat into her palms before reaching into the coat and touching Asami's arms. "I'm sorry, I just—"

"Don't apologize," Asami relaxed under Korra's touch. "I told you to wake me up if you needed something and I'm glad you did. I can handle a little cold." Korra ran her hands up to Asami's shoulders and pulsed a bit more heat. "Mmm, besides, that's a pretty amazing trick."

Despite the wrecked state of her current mind, Asami had a knack for making her smile. "At least I'm good for something."

"Korra," Asami started in that usual voice Korra had come to recognize, "You're so hard on yourself. It breaks my heart when you say those things."

A deep vulnerability settled in the pit of her stomach. Korra thought, for only a moment, about turning around and running. The feeling inside of her was terrifying. If Asami knew how weak she really was it might drive her away. At least in Korra's mind, it should.

"It's been eighteen months, Asami. I'm not  _helping_  anyone. I can barely help myself."

Asami stepped forward and wrapped her arms around Korra's waist. "You're right, it's been eighteen months and look at you." Korra frowned. "Standing on your own, walking and running. Your bending is back."

"I can barely waterbend and earthbending takes so much effort."

"It's more than it was just a few months ago." When Korra tried to look away, not feeling any better, Asami pulled at her chin to keep their eyes locked. "I know you don't want to think about it, but Korra…you were a victim."

_Weak._

"I'm the Avatar," she whispered as her own voice started to betray her. "I…I have to be the Avatar again."

"I know," Asami nodded. "But you're not right now and that's okay. You've done enough to earn time to heal."

Korra sighed heavily. "How much time? I feel like I'm running around in circles. I meditate and I…try so hard to go into the Avatar state and it's just gone. Completely gone. I close my eyes and try and focus, like I had done so naturally before, and I just…hit a wall. Like a piece of me missing." Korra swallowed the lump in her throat.

"You'll figure it out." Asami's words of comfort fell on deaf ears. Korra had heard it before. From Katara, from her father, now from Asami.

They could say it, tell her she would figure it out, that she was just healing but it was more than that and she knew it. There was something wrong with her. Something inside that was broken and unfixable.

_Not even the greatest engineer in the world can put you back together._

Asami's hopeful eyes were staring back at her and Korra found herself suddenly exhausted with talking.

"I know," Korra said, all but giving up. She leaned her head forward and rested against Asami's collarbone. The words might be hollow but the comfort of Asami's embrace was not. "Thanks Asami." She just wanted to sleep, but knew it wouldn't come back.

"You want to go back to bed?"

Korra smiled. "You're just cold."

"Well," Asami couldn't help but chuckle. "It's literally snowing right now." Turning back, Korra saw the snowflakes cascading down against the faded lights of the city beyond the palace. It was beautiful. Korra wished she could hop onto Naga and run until the snow fell so hard it hid her away from the world.

"Okay, back to bed." Korra reached down and scooped Asami up into her arms, enjoying the shriek she received as she carried her into the room.

As she laid Asami down onto the bed, Korra reveled in the feeling of Asami's bare legs under her touch. She stroked up Asami's thigh, a tingle in the back of her throat that always rose up when she touched Asami a certain way. No matter how many times they'd been intimate together, it still came back and brought with it the same nervousness as their first time.

Korra didn't want to press, but she laid Asami down and couldn't stop her hand from reaching up to push a stray bit of Asami's hair from her eyes.

"I love you," Korra said, feeling every single bit of those three words. She might be losing her mind and quietly pushing everyone away, but nights like tonight were the bandages that held her together.

Asami leaned up from the bed and kissed her, her own hand cupping Korra's cheek. The kiss only deepened when Korra climbed onto the bed and straddled her waist. Asami was still in her jacket, so Korra pushed the fur lined coat to the sides and lifted her shirt up until it bunched under Asami's neck. She then forced heat into her palms once again.

Breaking the kiss, Korra scooted down to sit on Asami's knees before running her warm hands down Asami's neck and over the curve of her breasts. She stopped for a moment to knead them gently, drawing a welcomed moan from the girl beneath her.

"K—Korra…we need to sleep." Asami gasped as Korra's hands continued down her stomach slowly.

"Tell me to stop," she returned, leaning down and nipping at Asami's jaw.

Instead of ending it, Asami leaned her head to the side, giving Korra better access to her neck which she greedily accepted. Asami's skin was Korra's favorite addiction. She loved the taste, the feel of it in her hands.

"Korra," Asami repeated, even more breathless than before.

A grin pulled at the corners of Korra's mouth against her lover's neck. "Tell me…"

Another soft moan. "Be quick, we need sleep."

Korra smiled. "Hold on tight."

She did. Asami's hands wrapped around Korra's shoulders, nails digging in deeply as Korra used the knowledge she'd learned over the last year to quickly manipulate Asami's body. She dipped her middle finger in slowly, using her thumb to rub soft circles over the most sensitive spots. Every time Asami's mouth opened Korra would kiss her, swallowing the cries of passion that threatened to interrupt the quiet of their bedroom.

It was, in fact, quick, and soon enough Asami was releasing. Korra felt a nail break the skin on her back and she couldn't stop herself from biting into Asami's neck at the pain and pleasure of the moment. Asami's entire body quivered and shook, her legs bending up only to kick back down into the mattress.

When the moment passed, Korra slumped down on top of her. She'd come to learn that Asami liked the feel of Korra's weight on top of her after sex, and Korra was happy to oblige.

Reaching down, Korra pulled the blankets up and over them before gently stroking her fingers through Asami's hair.

Asami fell back asleep soon after. Korra eventually shifted off of her and stared up at the ceiling. Sleep never returned, and Korra knew was so tired of being tired. Instead she opted for the small victory of making it through the night, which she did, ensuring Asami didn't wake up alone.


	3. Cracks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Korra's insecurities are hurting more than herself.

Korra closed her eyes as the water of Katara's pool flowed around her. Healing sessions were much simpler now, mostly done as a way to spend more time with Katara, at her request. Of everyone she knew, Katara was the only one who didn't ask her if she was okay. She already knew the answer.

That wasn't to say that Korra's body was completely healed. The injuries to her back might have never heal completely but they were certainly manageable now. The Avatar state had a way of numbing pain. It was why she was able to keep fighting for so long despite everything that was done to her. The Avatar state pushed her on, even when her body was ready to quit.

It was why when she finally hit the ground in the end, slamming Zaheer down with her, that it had all consumed her at once.

The images of that day had come back slowly over the course of those first six months. Some of it was still vague. She didn't remember breaking the chains or leaving the cave. Nothing from when she was first forced into the Avatar state. She certainly remembered the poison sinking into her skin, like boiling water eating away at her.

"You're awfully quiet today," Katara said as she used one hand to move the water around the pool.

"Just…thinking about training today. Tenzin will be here in a few weeks and I want to show him the progress I've made."

Katara nodded. "Seeing as how the last time he saw you you were in your chair, I believe he will be quite impressed."

Korra smiled slightly. "I just wish I could get my airbending back to where it was."

"You're struggling with it?"

She shrugged. "A little, all the other elements seem fine. Earth takes more effort than it used to but air is just…frustrating. Like when I was first learning it with Tenzin. I can do it but I have to really focus. I can't just switch to it like I can with the others."

"Ah," Katara chuckled. "So that's why you've chosen fire as your element to impress my son."

"Maybe," Korra said, raising a hand to twirl some of the water around before resettling it. "I could do water but that's my element. At least with fire it'll seem aggressive. Like I'm ready to fight."

"Hmmm." Katara's deep hum soothed Korra's eyes shut. It was time for her to get back to her life after all this time spent down here recovering. She was ready; if she didn't get back soon she would lose her mind. All the stuff she hadn't overcome yet, regaining the Avatar state and losing those stupid visions, would come when she regained control of her life.

Some of the healing waters pressed into Korra's lower back, making her fight off a wince. "Are you afraid of him?" The question was fairly vague but Korra immediately knew who Katara was referring too.

In fair circumstances, Korra could have defeated Zaheer without problem. That was the point- Zaheer never fought fair. He was smart and ruthless. Capturing innocent airbenders, children, and using them to force her into a weakened state.

In fair circumstances, Korra would never be afraid of anyone. But those circumstances were hazy memories now.

"He's a threat, just like anyone else I've faced. I worry about him. He'll be a threat until the day he dies."

"Dear, that's not what I asked." Katara shifted, suddenly looking at Korra.

She turned her head away from Katara. "I defeated him. He's put away. Why should I be afraid of him?" Defeated was a weak word. He was imprisoned, just like he had been before.

Katara sighed. "The dark isn't anymore dangerous than the light of day and you're afraid of that."

The water began to slow and Korra peeked an eye open to see Katara staring at her. "How do you know I'm afraid of the dark?"

"Asami approached me about wanting a night light for your room ages ago. Said she was trying to make you feel more comfortable."

Korra remembered those first nights after the fight. Zaheer's face wouldn't leave her mind. She could see him, hear him, feel him trying to hurt her. "It's harder to ignore my memories in the dark." She felt a sudden pain in her back. Her wince must have given her away because Katara went back to work. "I—I remember the moment my legs got hurt." Zaheer's image flashed in her mind.  _Stop talking. Protect yourself. If I bring it up it'll hurt again. I don't want to hurt anymore_. A burning sensation crawled up the backs of her legs and Korra felt her foot slip holding her up in the tub

"Tenzin has told me that you were badly beaten. It's a testament to your strength that you came out as well as you did."

_Who says I did?_

She gripped the sides of the tub tighter. "He threw me from…rock to rock. He wanted to hurt me. He wanted to break me."  _He did break me_. Korra flinched, the pain crawling up her back. She felt like her body was being slammed into the sides of those mountains again. One after the other. He wouldn't stop hurting her.

_It's your duty to suffer._

"Korra?" Katara had stopped her movements and Korra realized she was crying. The older woman moved to the side of the pool and touched her shoulder. "You're safe." Korra took a long, deep breath and opened her eyes to refocus on Katara's healing hut, trying to remember where she was and push away the pain she knew wasn't real. Slowly, her legs started to relax and the fire in her back relented. "I can remember when Aang was struck with that bolt of lighting." Katara mused. "I remember…being furious, so much so that I thought I might do something awful, hurt someone beyond repair. I wanted to. He was so young and so…special. I didn't understand the desire people had to hurt him."

A lump built up in Korra's throat and she struggled to swallow it. "They did though, didn't they? They hurt him." Katara nodded somberly. "They never broke him though."

She smiled. "No, they didn't. Try as they might, Aang's spirit was too strong."

Words meant for comfort only made Korra feel worse. Of course Aang never broke; he was a better Avatar than she was. Every decision Korra had ever made only caused more problems. Even now, giving herself up to Zaheer to save the airbenders only put them more at risk because she had been beaten so badly that she couldn't defend them.

Korra quickly shifted away from Katara and climbed out of the pool. She ran her hands in front of herself and bent the water from her body to drop back into the pool before turning around. "You go rest, Katara. I'll recycle the water for you."

"You don't have to Korra."

She set her jaw tightly. "Yes I do, I—I have to do  _something_."

With a nod, Katara seemed to understand and left Korra alone with her thoughts.

Once she'd recycled the water and taken the time to clean out Katara's tub, Korra found herself tying up her wolf tails as she walked through the palace in search of Asami. The last few nights had been surprisingly uneventful and Korra was extremely happy about that. No nightmares, no middle of the night panic attacks, and the last three mornings had begun with Asami curled against her.

Korra wanted to buy into the feeling of normalcy. She was ready to let it consume her and wash away the pain. It was easier to move, to work and keep doing things. When she sat still and let her mind wander, the darkness returned.

Finding Asami was easy once she heard the chorus of laughter from the kitchen. Korra strode up the three steps to the dining room before peeking her head through the small kitchen door to see Asami and her father looking over a stack of papers and laughing as they read.

For a moment, Korra considered turning around and leaving. Lately she'd developed a habit of ruining people's good moods and they both looked so content, as they had grown so close, that it felt wrong to ruin it.

Yet, as she always did, Asami must have sensed her discomfort. "Korra?" She called, putting down a piece of paper and smiling. "Hey, your session with Katara is done?"

"Yeah," Korra nodded, feeling strangely shy as she lingered in the doorway. "What are you guys doing?"

"Asami was showing me some of Mako's letters. That poor kid. He spent an entire letter talking about the pen he was using to write it." Tonraq held up the letter and showed it to Korra who tentatively stepped into the kitchen.

She took the letter and scanned over it. Sure enough it was mostly about the pen he was using and something about Lin wanting him to stop riding his Satocycle on duty. Korra smiled. She still received letters from both him and Bolin, even from Tenzin and his family, but she hadn't responded to any.

What would she even say? There was no real progress, and Asami kept them posted on enough to help them understand. Korra didn't have words to give. It was one thing to offer false comfort to those around her, but to send it in letters seemed like lying just to lie. It was better to keep it to herself. Less people had to worry that way.

When Tonraq started laughing again as Asami showed him Bolin's drawings, Korra felt a strange tinge of jealousy strike. She hated it. How dare she feel jealous of Asami's relationship with her father? It was so good for Asami and Korra wanted her to feel welcome here.

"At least they're consistent," Tonraq said, comparing Bolin's cute Pabu drawings on two different pages.

Asami laughed and rested her hand on Tonraq's shoulder, and Korra crumpled the page in her hand. This was  _her_  father, not Asami's. Why could Asami laugh so freely with her parents when Korra could barely maintain conversations with them? How was that fair?

"Korra?" Asami called, staring at the crumpled letter in her hand. "You okay?"

She quickly dropped the ball of paper onto the table. "Y—yeah, sorry. I'm itching to go workout after that session with Katara. You want to come work with me, Dad?"

Tonraq smiled but Korra could tell immediately what his answer was going to be. Disappointment hit her harder than she expected.

"I'm sorry, I have work I need to do this morning, but maybe I could watch you train tomorrow."

Korra frowned. " _Watch_?"

"Watch, help. I'd love to be there."

She glanced quickly to Asami and saw that she was watching her. The brief moment their eyes met, Asami smiled. "I'll train with you. I haven't really put on my workout clothes in a while. I could probably use a training day."

As always, Asami managed to make Korra feel better. She was still upset that her father was clearly avoiding her for reasons she couldn't begin to understand, but Asami was there, like she had always been.

"Okay, that'd be great."

A moment later, Tonraq stepped up and wrapped an arm around Korra, kissing the top of her head. "Next time, sweetie. I promise." She sighed and rested her head against his chest.

Korra just wanted her relationship with him to go back to the way it was. For him to stop treating her like she was about to break.

_You are._

"Have fun at your meetings," she offered and backed it up with the best smile she could find.

"I will." He then reached over and embraced Asami. "Go easy on her," he said and she laughed. Korra watched Asami hesitate to return the hug. She glanced at Korra a few times, as if she was asking for permission.

Korra was suddenly consumed with guilt and forced herself to look away..

Once he was gone, Korra hugged herself gently and suddenly couldn't look at Asami. "I uh—you want to go get changed?"

"Yeah." Asami's hand twitched, like she might reach out for her. Instead it settled back against her side and she forced a smile. "I'll be right back."

When she found herself alone, Korra picked up the crumpled letter from Mako and lit it on fire in her hand.

—

"Okay!" Asami called out just as Korra readied herself for another attack.

Korra stopped and the second she did every muscle in her body decided to remind her of how strained they were. "Ugh," she groaned despite a grin on her face, happy to be active and pleased with how well her body kept up with Asami. "That was good," she said before grabbing her towel and sitting down against the wall.

From the sparring mat, Asami sat up and stared at her. Her face was glistening with sweat, hair sticking to her head. She was beautiful all the time and Korra felt the intensity of her green eyes watching her.

"What?" Korra asked.

Asami shrugged. "You're getting stronger."

"I think so—"

"No," Asami cut in. "I know so." That was when Asami moved and started to crawl towards her. She gave Korra a quick peck before settling in to sit next to her. "Tenzin's coming in a couple weeks to check on you."

"I know!" Korra couldn't stop herself from grinning. "I'm gonna be able to show him the progress I've made and hopefully everyone will agree that I'm ready to return to my Avatar duties and we can finally go back to Republic City." It was all she wanted. Tenzin would come, see her rebuilt skills and decide to support her decision to go back to her duties. She needed it. This…quiet was driving her crazy. If she could work and be back in the city then it would go away. The doubts were starting to take their toll. Erasing those in a couple weeks would make it better, being who she was meant to be.

"Korra…" Asami sighed and when Korra looked at her she was frowning. "I know you're getting better but…are you sure you're ready to go back to the city?"

Disappointment washed over Korra. "Not you too," she groaned, looking away, looking anywhere but at Asami.  _She thinks I'm weak, just like Dad_.

"I'm just trying to help you see the big picture," Asami tried, but Korra was tired of listening.

"You sound exactly like Dad. Do you two talk about this stuff behind my back?"

Asami retreated slightly at Korra's tone. "What? Of course not! Why would you—"

"Because you both seem to think that I'm going to fall apart the second I try and be the Avatar again." Korra could hear her voice getting louder. She didn't want to yell at Asami, but she was so tired of being this way. Why couldn't they see that? Why weren't they helping her more? Why did everyone have to work against her? "Why are you saying these things to me?"

With an exhale, Asami laid her head back against the wall to compose herself. A moment later she moved and turned her body so she sat facing Korra. "I'm saying these things because I  _love_  you, Korra. I don't want to see you get hurt again."

"Asami," Korra decided to approach this differently. Win her over. Show her how confident she was. With a bright smile, Korra shifted and suddenly their legs were entangled over one another and they were face to face. "I'm not going to get hurt. I'm doing better, you said so yourself. I just need to get back into the swing of things."

"You can't even go into the Avatar state yet." Asami whispered tentatively. Clearly knowing her words were pushing into rough territory.

Korra felt her anger rise. "You're supposed to support me." Asami tried to respond but Korra wouldn't let her. "You're no better than my parents. You would rather I just stay here forever and never do anything." She rose to her feet in a hurry and could hear Asami doing the same.

"Please don't be mad." Asami touched her shoulder and Korra shrugged it off.

She took a step away. She needed some distance. "You see me like everyone else does. Broken. You don't think I should be the Avatar anymore."

"Korra, I did not say that. Don't you dare put words in my mouth."

"Then what?" Korra spun quickly to face Asami. "Why are you all fighting so hard against me! I just want to be who I was before!"

"But you're  _not_!" Asami's scream actually made Korra jump a bit. There were tears in her eyes, her hands were shaking and she covered her mouth for a moment.

It wasn't until Korra tried to speak again that she realized she was crying too. "I—I can't be around you right now." She turned around to walk away.

"Korra,  _don't_ ," Asami cried. "Don't walk away from me,  _please_."

The hurt in Asami's voice was devastating. It made her stop for a moment and she considered turning around and hugging her. She could tell Asami was crying, but Korra had to get away. She didn't want to say something she'd regret. She was just so tired of being weak.

She kept walking, ignoring the desperate cry of her name as she did.

—

Korra knew she'd messed up. It wasn't the first time. Lately it seemed like all she could do was mess things up with Asami. It wasn't Asami that she was mad at, just that Asami was usually in the vicinity during her weak moments.

She just wanted everyone to be on her side. To see that she was doing better. The last few nights had been filled with dreamless sleep, and those haunting visions hadn't been around in over a week. She had more energy, her body felt stronger. The Avatar state still eluded her but all of her bending felt good.

So why did they all act like she was still in a wheelchair? That was behind her now. She was better, stronger. She was  _ready_.

Still, that didn't make up for fighting with the woman she loved. Korra knew she'd have to do damage control and she'd planned it out after an afternoon with Naga. She was going to climb into bed, kiss Asami as hard as she could, then sing to her and hope the night took a turn for the better.

Singing was such a private thing for Korra. Not because it embarrassed her but because it was never meant for anyone else. It was more of a habit than anything. Something she'd picked up during her training as a kid. She never even knew she was good until someone heard her.

Asami had a soft spot for her voice-she mostly had a soft spot for her. Korra smiled at the memory of that first time she'd sung for this girl she loved so much. Thinking back on it, that was one of the best nights of her life. It was certainly the most she'd ever opened up to anyone and it was more than accepted: it was loved.

With a bit of a bounce in her step, Korra ducked into her bedroom as the moon loomed just over the horizon. Asami was already in bed, her back facing the doorway. For a moment, Korra worried she might be asleep, but when she shut the door Asami glanced back for a moment.

"Hey," Korra said with a bright smile.

Asami offered a very meek return. "Hi," she said simply before turning back to the wall.

Korra frowned. "I uh…I know today wasn't the best." She waited for a moment, offering Asami a chance to say something. She didn't. "I was just frustrated. You know better than anyone how hard I've worked and I want everyone to see it too." Korra took off her fur wrap and shed her vest before climbing into the bed and draping her hand over Asami's shoulder. "It got a little heated but I think we were just—"

"Go to sleep, Korra," Asami said with a hollow voice as she shrugged her shoulder away from Korra's touch.

"Asami?" She hadn't expected any hostility. They'd had disagreements but it always dissolved fairly quickly.

The girl in question rolled over and glared at her. "What? What do you want?" She sat up. "Do you want me to pretend that today didn't happen? That you didn't walk away from me?"

"I know," Korra sighed. "I should have stayed but if I hadn't I might have said something I regretted. We both might have."

Asami shook her head angrily. "You don't get it, do you?" There was nothing but aggravation in her voice. It was extremely unsettling. "You walked away from me when I  _begged_  you not to."

"I told you—"

" _Stop_!" Asami barked and Korra felt her recoil. "What is the one thing that I never did through this entire time we've spent together, Korra?" She asked the question but didn't wait for an answer. "I never left you. Not once.  _Ever_. Even when you tried to push me away. Even when you used me to make yourself feel better. You think you can erase the days you spent ignoring me with sex and sweets and nice words? It doesn't work that way. I will  _not_  be your punching bag!"

Korra felt like her throat was closing up. She'd never seen Asami this upset before, let alone having been the cause of it. Not even when she accused her father of working for the Equalists. This was different-this was awful. "I'm sorry," Korra croaked out, her teeth chattering. "I—I would never hurt you on p—purpose. You know that."

"Do I?" Asami returned, her voice softer. "Were you not jealous today when I was with your dad?"

More guilt piled on and Korra felt like she was suffocating. "It's just hard, okay? You two get along so well and I—I can barely—" her voice cracked again and Korra covered her mouth, willing herself not to cry anymore. "It's…really hard." With a long exhale, Asami chewed on her bottom lip. Try as she might, Korra couldn't read her expression. "I want to fix it, okay? Please let me fix it. I was going to sing you a song. I thought I could sing and—"

"I'm  _tired_ , Korra."

The last flicker of hope Korra had at saving this moment died out. "Oh." She moved off the bed and stood up.

Asami wasn't looking at her, she wasn't telling her to come back to bed. "You can't walk away from me, Korra. You can't… _leave_  me like that. After everything we've been through I just…I can't deal with it." She finally met Korra's eyes. "I won't let you take out your frustration on me. I know you're going through a lot right now. But you  _have_  to start considering me more. I gave up my whole life for you, and I don't regret it, you know that. But it's still scary. I have no idea what the future holds beyond this room, this palace." Korra wrapped her arms around herself, feeling increasingly terrified of this entire conversation. "Right now, you're the only thing I've got in my life."

Korra felt like she should say something.  _Apologize, make a promise, something. Anything_.

She couldn't. Instead she could only nod as more tears spilled down her cheeks. Tears that Asami saw and didn't stand up to chase away.

"Let's go to sleep, Korra," Asami said finally as she pulled the blankets down.

As she laid back down, Korra continued to cry softly into her pillow. A few moments passed when she suddenly felt Asami's arms wrap around her waist and pull her in close. It only made everything hurt worse. They didn't speak again.

Asami was right. She'd given up  _everything_  for Korra and all she had gotten back was misery.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback is always appreciated ;)


	4. Promises, Promises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Korra is certain that she has everything figured out.

It had been twenty-one days since Korra's fight with Asami and their relationship still hadn't bounced back. On the surface, things seemed fine. They smiled at dinner with her parents and spent time together doing various things. Everything seemed normal.

When they were alone, though, it was quiet, painfully quiet, and Korra hated it. Asami was never cold or distant, something that almost made Korra feel worse. Instead she would remain affectionate and hold her when Korra had trouble sleeping.

Korra hadn't dared leave Asami again. Even on the nights when her mind told her to get out and find Naga or just escape this overwhelming quiet. She stayed, she held Asami closer. It needed to be fixed. Korra knew that and wanted it desperately. The problem was, she had no idea how to fix it. Relationships were never her strong suit. She and Mako fell apart the second they went from friends to more than that.

Asami was different. Korra  _loved_  Asami more than anything, but the mistakes started piling up after the buffer of the wheelchair was removed. Suddenly they were a couple, not by circumstance, but by choice and the desire to be good enough weighed heavily on Korra.

What Asami had told her that night was the same thing that scared Korra the most. Asami had given up everything for her and Korra had done nothing but take advantage of it.

She wanted to do more, to be more for Asami. To give something, anything, even if it was just one really good night.

Tonight would be her chance.

Korra laid out her dress on the bed and took off her vest and pants to shower. Becoming Chief had changed a lot in her father's life. Things like birthdays had been something he didn't usually bother much with. He'd spend those days with her and her mother. Korra remembered being let out of training and her parents would come to compound and spend the day with her for all their birthdays. Not that they could go anywhere, but she had enjoyed those days. Just the three of them, when they felt like a normal family. The older she had gotten the less and less her parents were around. The White Lotus assumed she didn't need them as much. In a way, the more she aged the more she had wanted to be around them.

Now that he was Chief, however, his birthday was suddenly an event. He hated the attention but it gave Korra an opening to sweep Asami off her feet and that was exactly what she intended to do.

As she stepped into the shower, Korra saw the small mirror sitting on the table sink and picked it up. She moved it slowly across her body and stopped at the thick scar that ran across the curve of her hip. It was a permanent scar. She had no doubt about that. A permanent reminder of how much of a toll her body took on those mountains.

When she stepped forward into the main mirror and held the smaller one behind her back, she could see the fainter scars that covered her skin. For the most part, they were all but gone. Still, there was a time when her back was a mess of wounds and cuts. She flexed her back, watching the muscles react made her feel better. She'd rebuilt her body, despite all of those scars. She wanted to be proud of that, and she was. Those scars hadn't defeated her. Zaheer hadn't defeated her.

She placed the mirror back on the sink and started the shower. Korra untied the wolf tails in her hair and when she looked back in the mirror again it was there, looming behind her. She stared at it through the reflection, this…image of herself on that day. It haunted her like a ghost, reminding her of everything she felt. The fear, the pain, the vulnerability and loss of control.

The glowing white eyes looking at her never blinked. Not once. Just stared at her with an empty expression and pulsing muscles. There were scars on its wrists from the chains. It was her, but it seemed so savage and animalistic. Like a monster.

"Go  _away_ ," Korra whispered darkly, glaring through the reflection. It didn't move and her anger started to rise. "I said… _go_ …away!" Korra turned around quickly and when she did, all she could see was her empty bedroom. She glanced over her shoulder into the mirror but the figure was gone from the reflection.

She suddenly remembered the shower and forced her mind to turn off until she finished getting ready.

Tonight wasn't about her problems. Tonight was about Asami, and for Korra, that was more than enough.

—

Senna had taken Asami to find a dress and Korra had went with the only dress she had. It was a sign of how much of a toll the six months of being inactive had taken on her body that even now, a year later, the dress hung off of her much looser than it had before. She'd lost so much muscle and while it was coming back, she'd yet to return to full form. Her body was growing still. She was a bit taller now and so everything was going up, not out. Still, the dress fit well enough and Korra actually enjoyed wearing it from time to time.

She was, as Lin would say, tough as nails, but not above feeling pretty.

This was Asami's favorite dress, or so she'd told her. And she wore her hair down without a single tie because Asami told her that she liked it that way. Everything about tonight was directed towards making Asami happy. Making things right. She was tired of feeling distance between herself and the only other person in the world who made her feel okay.

"You know," Tonraq's deep voice boomed through the living room. Korra glanced up from her seat on the couch at him, all dressed up in formal water tribe attire. "If I'd known that becoming Chief meant the tribes throwing me a birthday party, I'd have let your cousins run the north  _and_  the south."

Korra couldn't help but smile. "At least your parties are more fun than Unalaq's were. Those things were always so awkward."

Tonraq chuckled, taking a seat next to her as he fussed with his coat. "That's because  _Unalaq_  was awkward. The man was a walking insult." Once satisfied enough with his attire, he glanced at Korra with warm eyes. "You look beautiful, Korra."

She smiled shyly. "Thanks." She wanted to say more; she hated that it was so hard to maintain conversations with him. It had never been this way before. Even when they were fighting, she didn't feel like this around him. So hesitant and unsure.  _Talk to him_. "Dress doesn't fit quite as well as it used to."

"No?" He glanced at the loose waist and the way it hung off her neck. "Well, you're older than the last time you wore it. Taller too."

"Still not taller than Asami." She pouted teasingly, shaking her head. "Every time I grow a little she grows too."

He wore a knowing grin. "Don't think she doesn't notice. She's quite proud of being taller than the Avatar." For some reason this bothered Korra. Not Asami being taller, but her father knowing this about her. It was stupid, and she knew it was stupid. There was no point in being jealous that her father and Asami were close. Even if it seemed like Asami now had a better relationship with her dad that she did.

 _Don't be petty_.

Korra forced a smile. "Height is one of the few advantages Asami has over me," she countered boastfully and caused her father to look at her with a derisive smirk. "Well, and brains," she admitted begrudgingly. "Tact…she's a little more graceful than I am. Knows how to drive... _everything_. She's better at talking to most people than I am."

"She's also much more fashionable than you," Tonraq added which made Korra gape at him. "I'm just saying, water tribe attire goes further than blue vests and arm bands."

" _Hey_." Korra raised up her sleeveless arm. "I can't help it that I have goods people want to see." She flexed and felt happy to see the muscle in her arms respond. Korra had very few vanities. She didn't care for makeup and put her hair in wolf tails most of the time because it was easy. But her arms mattered to her-her body mattered. She worked hard on it and wanted to display it. When she was in the wheelchair, wearing tank tops and sweat pants, hiding herself away, she felt weak.

Now, she was building her muscles back, and she planned to be stronger than ever. She needed to be, because where she was before apparently wasn't enough.

"You look great, Korra. And I don't just mean tonight. I'm proud of you and how well you've recovered."

Korra reached up and rubbed the back of her neck. "Really? Cause…I wonder sometimes what you think." She looked away from his suddenly deeper gaze. "I mean you won't spar with me like we used to anymore."

"Sweetheart, I—"

"Okay!" Senna's delighted voice cut the conversation short and Korra sighed before standing up to greet her mother when she was suddenly accosted with the vision that was Asami Sato.

She was wearing a sleek, snug-fitting black dress with red trim that fell all the way down to the floor. Her green eyes were as sparkling as her smile and she'd even tied her hair up, only a few tendrils dancing across her neck and over her face. She looked…amazing. It was strange to Korra how a simple shift in Asami's appearance could set off entirely new sensations in Korra's body.

"You both look amazing!" Tonraq beamed as he stepped over and kissed his wife.

Korra suddenly felt the numbness fade in her legs and snapped out of her trance. " _Asami_ , you're…" the sentence ended with a huff and Asami flushed prettily.

"Thank you. You look amazing as well. I love you in dresses."

With a smile, Korra fanned out her skirt a little and bowed, making Asami chuckle.

"Come on then," Tonraq said, putting his arm around Senna who seemed rather giving with her touches to her husband's chest and shoulders.

As her parents led the way, Korra saw her mother's hand dipping low down Tonraq's back. She looked to Asami, who was covering her mouth and hiding a giggle.

"I am too young and naive for this."

Asami laughed outright. "Oh come on, it's his birthday. It's nice that they're still intimate with each—"

" _No_ ," Korra growled and pointed a finger at Asami who was only smiling more. "They are not…they have  _never_."

"You do know how babies are made right? I mean you're here so at least once—"

"No," again Korra stopped her. "I'm the Avatar. For all I know I just fell out of the sky when Aang died."

With a roll of her eyes, Asami took Korra's hand and they followed her parents out the door.

—

If there was one thing Korra appreciated about the south, it was that nobody here really cared that she was the Avatar. Especially not when it was her father's birthday. There were a few passersby who would approach her and ask her how she was doing, ask to see a known water tribe girl bend fire or earth. Other than that, though, she was able to mostly enjoy the night with no one other than Asami.

They sat at the head table, side by side and quietly eating their dinner. Korra kept stealing glances at Asami, both because they hadn't said much to each other and because Asami looked so beautiful that Korra couldn't stop herself from staring. With her hair up, Korra could see the curve of her jaw and the slope of her neck. She wanted to kiss them both. If not for the hundreds of people in this room, she'd make a move right now.

Though, given the current state of their relationship, there was no guarantee Asami would let her.

Tentatively, Korra reached under the table to seek out Asami's hand. When she found it, Asami glanced at her, but didn't pull her hand away.

"Hi," Korra said, as though they were seeing each other for the first time.

Asami grinned. "Hey," she put down the drink she was holding. "You okay?"

Korra nodded. "Really great, I mean…" She glanced back to where her dad was tiredly chatting with a few of the elder tribesmen while her mother continued to hang off of him like a pro bending fangirl. "Besides my mother practically  _groping_  my father in public, this is a good night." She let out a contented sigh as she turned back to Asami and saw a pair of green eyes staring only at her. "You really do look amazing. I—I forgot how well you dress up."

"Oh?" Asami quirked a brow. "Are you saying that I  _don't_  look this good in pajamas with no make-up?"

"Nope," Korra squeezed her hand. "You look best naked and in bed with me." With a breathy laugh, Asami grinned. Korra hated that she had to say it but she felt like it would start the conversation she wanted to have. "I've missed that." When Asami frowned a bit, Korra realized how that must have sounded. "Being close to you, I mean. Not… _sex_." She whispered that last word. "I mean I've missed that too but I just meant that I miss being close to you. I hate that we've been…" Her sentence trailed off at the lack of a proper word.

"Distant?" Asami finished and Korra could only nod. Distant. It was an all too familiar word. "Look Korra, I know—"

"Cousin Korra." Korra felt her eyes go wide. Asami returned with a startled look as both turned to see Korra's cousins Desna and Eska standing in front of their table. "It is…a slightly less than mundane feeling to see you here tonight."

Korra furrowed her brow. It had always been so hard to talk to them. "Right. Uh…thanks for coming. I hope you're having fun."

" _Fun_ ," Desna murmured, causing Eska to flash a glance in his direction. "Our sister tribe is as predictably boring as usual."

Eska nodded. "I agree, our tribe does bleak and depressing much better than this." Korra sighed. She still couldn't talk to them.

"Glad to see you guys haven't changed. This is—"

"Cousin Korra has a date." Desna's tone was almost teasing.  _Almost_. It was hard to tell, since it was mostly just a slightly altered monotone. It was enough to draw Eska's eyes towards the curious and a bit taken aback Asami.

"Hello," Asami smiled, as polite as ever.

"Hmm," Eska studied Asami for a bit before refocusing on Korra. "Your choice in romantic partners has…changed from the last time we saw you."

Korra felt a sudden tenseness come over her. "Are you…is that—"

"This one is more aesthetically pleasing," Desna said as she eyed Asami. Korra felt herself scooting closer to her girlfriend. "She doesn't pout like the boy you were with before."

"I also have better shaped eyebrows," Asami added with a smirk which earned a very strange laugh from Eska that made them both jump a bit.

"You're funny," Eska said, almost accusatory, and Asami looked at Korra for help.

She took that opportunity to scoot over and put her arm over Asami's shoulders. "She's amazing. Was there something I could do for you two? I assume you're not here to ask for my advice on how to better quality of life in your tribe."

Desna somehow managed to seem even more inconvenienced. "I'm bored of this. Their love is… _exasperating_."

"Agreed. Continue maintaining your existence, Korra."

Giving a mock salute, Korra watched her cousins leave and shook her head tiredly. "Those two are exhausting. They always freaked me out growing up." When she refocused on Asami, she was staring blankly at the figures disappearing into the crowd. "You alright? They're gone now."

Asami shook her head with a growing smile and stood up. "Come on." She grabbed Korra's hand and pulled her onto her feet. "That was the most excruciating conversation of my life, and I used to spend my days talking to old businessmen. We're going to dance now."

"Oh, Sami I don't—"

"Come on!" Asami insisted as she pulled Korra into the crowd. As soon as they hit the dance floor, Asami's arms were around Korra's waist.

Korra hesitated. "I—I'm  _really_  not good at this."

"It's not hard, Korra. Here." Asami grabbed Korra's wrists and drew them up around her neck. "You hold on up here, I'll hold on down here and we just…sway."

The smile Asami wore made Korra relax. That's what Asami was best at, making Korra forget her insecurities and feel like everything she ever wanted to be was possible. As an Avatar, as a girlfriend, as a woman. Asami made her feel beautiful, made her feel strong and special.

The only problem with that was she didn't feel that way  _without_  her.

 _Stop it, Korra_ , she berated herself. Tonight wasn't about that. Asami was here, Asami was smiling and dancing with her.  _Make it right_.

"I'm sorry," Korra whispered as she dropped her head to watch their feet slowly moving together.

Asami's hand moved from her hip and gently tipped up her chin. "I get it, Korra. I know it's hard."

"Still," Korra shrugged. "It's no excuse. I—I should have never walked away from you."

With a sigh, Asami wrapped her arms up across Korra's shoulders and pulled her in close as another slow song started. "No, you shouldn't have…but you're new at this. We both are. Relationships are scary enough. The real ones are even scarier."

"So...you forgive me?" Korra asked, trying to display her prettiest pout.

Asami however, merely frowned. "Korra I was never...mad at you. Not...not like that." Korra felt that familiar tension build in her muscles. _Not again, I don't want to do this again._

"I don't understand." She said and hated how desperate it sounded.

Having sensed Korra's worry, Asami leaned forward and gave her a gentle kiss. "Relax, Korra. We're not going to yell or fight or...anything like that. I just need you understand that I wasn't...angry with you. It just...it wasn't a one time thing. That had been building up for a while."

"Oh," It was a silly and weak response. The truth was that Korra knew she'd been upsetting Asami for a while now. The actual outburst that night merely prevented her from denying it any further. "I-I'm really trying"

Asami nodded. "I know you are. I've seen it the last few weeks. You stay in bed, you're more attentive and conversational." She reached up and pushed a bit of Korra's hair away. One of Korra's favorite gestures. "You know that I'll support you, no matter  _what_. I just need to know that you're here for me too."

Uncaring of who was looking, Korra moved her hands from Asami's neck and cupped her face. She leaned in and kissed her with everything she had. Her tongue dancing in Asami's mouth, hitting every corner of it she could find. When the kiss broke, she reset their dancing position and grinned triumphantly at Asami's flushed cheeks.

"I love you."

Her girlfriend let out a shaky breath and Korra could only smile more. "I-I love you too." Asami smiled contentedly. "I saw you with your dad too, you guys seemed to be doing okay."

That was when Korra remembered her other transgression. "I was jealous," she blurted out only to mentally slap herself for not filtering out things like that.

Asami tensed, but never stopped holding her. "I know."

Korra pulled back quickly. "It's not—I'm so glad that you and my parents get along, Asami. I am. I know…how much you need them in your life. How—" she sighed and settled down. "I'm just mad because  _I_  can't seem to carry much of a conversation with either of them anymore."

"They're still your parents, Korra." As Asami spoke, Korra glanced over at them. They seemed happy, which made her happy. Korra adored her parents.

They'd been so good to her. It was easy to act as if they'd held her back, her father and Tenzin working together to shield her from the world. When Korra first found out about that, she was furious. At the time her anger felt justified. Who were they to keep things from her, to guard her from anything? She was the Avatar. She was meant to do great things, to save the world.

Then all of the sudden she was hurt. All that strength and bluster, those embarrassing boasts about how ready she was for anything seemed worthless. All the preparation in the world couldn't have prepared her for how miserable it felt to be that out of control of her own life. To wake up in the morning, lying in bed, and knowing that you physically can't do anything for yourself. Those first few weeks were the worst. She couldn't lay on her side, and could only move her head and arms. She needed help for everything.

Those were the mornings when she thought about asking her parents to take her away. To bring her home and shield her from the world again. When the pain was so bad she wanted to scream through her tears. When the nights went on for so long without sleep that she wanted the ground to open up and swallow her.

Even now, she sometimes wished for it all to be taken away. Her bending, her destiny, and this life. She just wanted to be free, to stop feeling the weight of the world on her shaky shoulders. It felt like too much.

_It is too much and you will never be strong enough._

"Korra." Asami's concerned tone drew her from her thoughts and she suddenly realized they'd stopped dancing.

Asami's hand was on her cheek and Korra looked up at her through blurry eyes and realized she was, again, crying.

"Shoot." She brushed them away furiously. "I'm  _so_  sorry,  _dammit_."

"You want to get some air?" The genuine compassion in Asami's voice made Korra fall even more in love with her. If that was possible. She nodded and was guided out of a side door into the cool air of the night.

When Asami shivered next to her, Korra mentally berated herself. "I'm sorry," She rubbed her hands together, building heat within them. "I keep dragging you out into the cold." She ran her hands up and down Asami's bare arms and then touched her exposed neck gently.

Asami closed her eyes a the contact. "It's fine, Korra. You just seemed a little wobbly in there."

Korra smiled when Asami's eyes opened again and she nodded. "My mind wandered. I—I shouldn't let it do that."

"We can't help it sometimes. Do you—what were you thinking about?"

_Don't hide from her. Don't you dare hide from her. Be brave. You used to be that way once. Tell her, tell her everything._

"Do you remember when Amon took my bending?"

Confusion danced across Asami's face at the random name drop. Still, she nodded along. "Of course. Hard to forget that day." There was a touch of sadness in her voice that Korra picked up on. Asami's father was a subject they didn't approach much because neither of them had anything good to say about the man. If Asami didn't directly bring him up, Korra wasn't about to.

Korra pushed through. "When Katara couldn't do anything for me, I was…so  _lost_. I had spent my whole life believing in my destiny, believing in my path as the Avatar that I had absolutely nothing else. I was with Mako and that was… _what it was_ , but not even that or my parents or my friends could make me feel like I had anything without my bending. I couldn't be the Avatar without it and being the Avatar is all I had ever been told I was." The weight of what she was about to say started to settle on her chest. It made breathing difficult. It made talking even worse. Korra took a deep breath, realizing she was still working as Asami's heater. She forced her palms not to overheat. "When I thought it was gone forever I just…I  _panicked_. I couldn't  _be_  the Avatar anymore but I still was. I thought—" she could feel Asami tense under her touch and lost the courage to look at her. "I thought that the right thing for me to do was…let the cycle continue."

"Korra—"

"No," Korra quickly shushed her and brushed Asami's cheek with the back of her hand. "I  _promise_. I'm not—I'm past that. I don't want to die, not even for my duty as the Avatar. At that time though…I thought about it. I broke down because I was so  _afraid_  at how  _right_  the idea seemed in my head. Then Aang showed up and everything changed. That was the first time I thought about it."

Asami winced as she suddenly grabbed Korra's wrists, stroking over the pulse points with her thumbs. "I know."

"You don't though. It's not…about that article. Nobody understands what it's like…nobody gets it, certainly  _they_  didn't. That night I had my… _accident_." She let the word hang and waited for Asami to nod in understanding. "Before I called for you, I thought about it. I tried—" Korra felt her voice break, and she rolled her eyes at how silly it sounded. "I was so weak, so…far from who I used to be and it seemed impossible that I'd recover from that so I thought..." Korra swallowed the thick lump in her throat. "I thought...that if I could...maybe it would be for the best."

"Why are you telling me this?" Asami asked with desperation.

Korra shrugged. "It's what I was thinking about. How…hard that was, how far I fell. I couldn't do it. Not just physically but…I didn't want to die. I don't. I just felt so empty and I was lying in my own—" she shook her head. "And I couldn't even move to clean myself up and it was just rock bottom. It was the lowest point of my entire life." Korra reached up and gently cupped Asami's face. "And you were there."

With a soft exhale, Asami nestled her face into Korra's warm palm and kissed her fingers. "I'm always going to be here for you Korra. You just have to let me."

"I know. I promise I won't do that again. After Tenzin comes and sees the progress I've made we can go back to Republic City. I won't…I won't jump into anything but things will be better. I'll keep training and keep working back to where I was and you can be in your city and figure out what you want to do next and…we'll be together. Okay?"

"You're ready then? For Tenzin? For Republic City?" 

_I have to be._

"Yes," Korra smiled brightly. Pushing every bit of confidence she could find into one word.

Asami leaned in and kissed her, and Korra felt the fear fall away. She was ready to prove to the world that the Avatar was back. That  _she_  was back.


	5. Korra, Alone?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes finding the solution, only makes the problem worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Flashback in italics

_"Naga." Korra whispered, her head still spinning._

_She groaned as she swung her legs off the couch._

_"Easy kid." Lin's hand was on her shoulder. "I know you're tough but you just got hit with a paralyzing dart."_

_Korra shook her head. "I—I have to go check on Naga." She looked over to the couch across from her. Only Bolin and Mako were there. "Did anyone check o—on Naga?"_

_"I'm sure your pet is fine, Korra," Su offered but Korra sluggishly pushed to her feet anyway._

_"They hit her with three darts. They…" The room around her spun and Korra clutched the armrest of the couch._

_Again Lin was holding her steady. "You need to lie down."_

_"I'll lie down in my room." Korra brushed her off as she stumbled for the door._

_"I can help," Mako said as he rose up from the couch._

_Korra glanced back at him "No." She waved him off. "I'm fine. Go to bed you guys and…th—thank you so much for saving me." She gave them a genuine smile, despite the worry from everything about this night rotting in her gut. "I owe you both."_

_Bolin shook his head. "No you don't."_

_There was more to say, more thanks to give, but Korra used the wall to steady herself as she retreated to her room to check on her best friend._

_It scared her how easily this all happened. How four people stood against the entire Zaofu guard and nearly stole her away. How powerful were these benders? They seemed to have tricks up their sleeves. She'd never been incapacitated as quickly as that dart dropped her._

_She could feel the burn where it had struck in her leg. She was angry and scared and tired. All she wanted to do was curl up with Naga and go back to sleep._

_When she reached her room, the first thing Korra saw was Naga's tail wagging slightly. She was still on the floor, but the sight of her tail moving made Korra feel so much better._

_"Naga," she cried as she stumbled into the room. The next thing she saw was Asami, dressed in her pink night clothes, sitting on the floor next to Naga and rubbing her chest. "Asami?"_

_She glanced up at Korra with a smile. "Yeah, when you mentioned it I—I came to check on her." There was a bashfulness in her voice that made Korra's heart swell. "She's just coming out of it now I think. A little scared but—"_

_Korra refocused on Naga and knelt down on the floor next to her. "Hey girl," she whispered as softly as she could. This caused the big polar-bear dog to slowly move her head around to see her friend. With a heavy sigh, Korra laid her head down into Naga's fur and hugged her. "Thank you, Naga. We'll get them next time, I promise."_

_"I'm glad you're okay," Asami said, which regained Korra's attention. "It was…scary…seeing them with you like that. I think we may have underestimated the Red Lotus."_

_A shudder went through Korra. She absolutely had. "I think you're right," she sighed tiredly. "We'll figure it out." As she pushed to sit up again, her leg burned._

_"Easy," Asami chuckled as she grabbed Korra's shoulder. "Don't be a hero."_

_Korra smirked. "Haven't you heard? I'm the Avatar."_

_"What?" Asami gasped dramatically. "You are! I'd heard she was taller!"_

_"Hey!" Korra swatted Asami's arm. "That's a cheap shot. I was attacked tonight."_

_Asami's smile faltered a bit. She recomposed herself a moment later. "Well that dart certainly didn't affect your humility."_

_"Humility." Korra disregarded her with a smile. "That's for normal people."_

_Suddenly, Naga started to shift on the floor and moved to stand up. Korra helped her a little, but Naga seemed to regain her strength much faster than Korra had and was on her feet and shaking her fur._

_Naga licked Korra's face. "Easy girl!" Korra laughed before wrapping her arms around Naga's neck again. "Ugh, I'm glad you're okay." This night had turned so fast. She had gone from sleeping to suddenly being nearly taken and…Korra knew what would have happened if they'd gotten away with her._

_A wave of fear, thick like smoke, settled over her and she became very aware of Asami standing up._

_"I should go back to bed, let you two—"_

_"No." Korra pushed to her feet. "Could you—I mean—you don't have to." It was now very hard to look Asami in the eyes. "Would you mind staying with me? After everything, it's just a little—" She didn't want to admit she was scared. She was the Avatar; she wasn't allowed to be scared. Asami hesitated, and when Korra found the courage to look at her she seemed as uncomfortable as Korra felt. "Forget it, that was…weird. Of course you don't want to sleep in bed with me. Just pretend I didn't say anything."_

_"I'll stay," Asami said, though her voice was still unsure. "I—I just—" Asami glanced to her left. "Your window has a hole in it. I'm gonna need to be under the blankets."_

_Korra laughed. "We can share the blankets." At Asami's sudden flush, Korra backpedalled. "I mean…you can have them. I was getting hot anyways. I can sleep above the covers." She shook her head. This was somehow getting worse. "You know, it's okay if you don't want to. I'm not a kid anymore. I can handle this on my own."_

_"I know you can." Asami walked over and put her hands on Korra's shoulders. "That doesn't mean you have to." Korra was suddenly very aware of the way Asami's lips shined in the faded moonlight, the feeling of Asami's fingertips against her skin. It was like every sense was suddenly heightened. "Come on." Asami moved away and broke the trance Korra was in. "Let's get some sleep. Tomorrow's going to be a long day of interrogating guards."_

_"Yeah." Korra pouted. "We have to deal with that weird Aiwei guy."_

_Asami chuckled as she settled under the covers. "You mean you don't want one of those nose to ear piercings?"_

_"No," Korra laughed with a roll of her eyes. "Spirits no. If I ever suggest it, punch me in the face." As she laid down next to Asami, Korra couldn't help but wonder why she was so nervous._

_When silence fell over the room, Asami rolled over onto her side to face Korra. "You okay?"_

_"Honestly?" Korra closed her eyes and let the vulnerability soak in. She wouldn't be able to give into it beyond tonight. She had to be strong-she had to be the Avatar. "Not really. I—I don't know what's coming but between this and everything Tenzin's told me, and Lin too, it's just…it's kinda scary."_

_Asami untucked her hand from the blanket and grabbed Korra's hand. "You'll be okay Korra. You're strong, you're smart and you've got so much support. We've been through this before, and we'll get through it again."_

_"You're right. Thank you, Asami. For…being my friend. My best friend." She grinned. "Don't tell Naga."_

_\--------_

Today was a bad day.

What made it even worse was that Korra couldn't figure out why she felt so bad.

Asami had spent the better part of the morning trying to talk to her. She was thankful that Asami knew her well enough to stop trying after the fourth " _I'm fine_ " response.

She just felt... _distant_.

Some days were just like this. Korra would wake up and all she could think about was how awful everything was. Her mind would replay the pain of being hurt, the shame of what her confinement in the chair had given her. She hadn't been able to take herself to the bathroom, she couldn't wash herself. Asami had cleaned up her messes and watched her cry so much. Why was Asami even with her? Why wasn't she with Mako or someone of high standing like General Iroh? Someone who was stronger, who could give her a better life than this?

When the tears started to come again Korra cursed them. This was everything she hated. The crying and weakness was never ending. She just wanted to be better. Tenzin would be here in three days and she was still like this, lying about taking a nap so she could be alone in the middle of the day.

Why couldn't she be okay? She was  _so_  excited for Tenzin to come and finally see that she was ready to go back to the city. It was what she'd worked for the last year and a half. To go back to being who she was. Stronger, faster and better than ever.

Perhaps that was the most confusing part of days like today. She was happy and excited, yet…she woke up feeling empty and sad. For no real reason at all.

She'd felt sick most of the morning, her stomach twisted in unrelenting knots and a phantom pain in her back had all but incapacitated her. There was nothing wrong with her back; she knew it was healed. She could run and bend, but some days it felt like she was fresh from that mountain side. Like she had just come from having her body destroyed by a mad man.

"Knock, knock?" Korra sighed at the soft voice of her mother. She turned her head to the side and saw Senna standing in the doorway with a bowl of something. Steam was pouring from the top of it. "I brought you some stew."

Korra closed her eyes and forced herself not to make any upset noises. She appreciated the gesture but all Korra wanted to do was be alone, be away from everyone so they wouldn't try and talk to her or ask her how she was doing.

"Thanks," she managed, pushing up to sit with her back resting against her pillows. Senna handed her the bowl and lingered. Korra thought she might leave if she didn't look at her so she stared at the stew like it was telling her stories.

"Are you okay?"

_Do I look okay?_

She nodded slowly. "I'm fine. Just a little tired."

Senna's hand started to stroke through her hair. "Okay, if you're sure. Asami offered to fix up the room for Tenzin and Jinora—"

"Jinora's coming?" Last Korra knew it was only going to be Tenzin.

"Yeah." Her mother smiled when Korra finally looked at her. "Apparently she's been doing really well since becoming an airbending master and Tenzin wants her to come up and see you train. Help him assess where you're at."

What little desire Korra might have to eat or converse died at those words.  _Assess where I'm at_? Who were they to tell her where she was at? She knew where her body was at.

_Is that why you've been sitting in your bed all day in pain?_

Korra put the bowl in her lap. "Thanks for the food, Mom."

The gentle affection she'd been receiving stopped at her cold tone. Korra drew herself in even more.  _You're hurting your own mother now_.

Senna stood up and put her hands at her sides. "I uh…I'll be in the kitchen if you need anything." Her voice was so upset. Korra wanted to jump off the bed and hug her.

Instead she just sat there, feeling as useless as ever.

When her mother left, Korra sat the bowl down on the table by the bed and laid her head back. It was easy to forget how far she'd come. Days like today didn't make her feel very strong but she wasn't bedridden. Not anymore. She could get up and run, go find Asami and dance with her. She could do so many things now.

If only her back would stop hurting.

_It's not real._

Korra sat up straighter and held her hand out.  _Show yourself how okay you are_. She did, lighting a flame in her palm and holding it. There was a time a year ago when she could barely muster a flicker to light a candle. Now she could hold this flame and do even more.

It grew in her hand, rising higher and higher. She turned her hand forward and extended the fire to the far wall. Glancing over at the bowl of soup, she flicked her other hand and the spoon pulled from the stew and into her hand. She could bend multiple elements. She could do everything she'd done before.

Extinguishing the flame, Korra sat the spoon down and crossed her legs on the bed. She pressed her fists together and took a long, deep breath. If she could clear her mind, maybe she could find the Avatar state again.

Before the poison, going into the Avatar state had felt so natural. Like an extension of mediation. She could unlock all of this potential, make her body do so many things. She could bend elements at her will, combine them for even more power. She could fly with fire in her feet and cut mountains in half.

 _Focus, Korra. Remember the feeling. Be free and let it flow through you. You're the Avatar. You're strong, you've got centuries of power inside of you. Unlock it. You can do this. You can_ —

Suddenly she couldn't breathe. There was a ball of air wrapping around her head. Her arms wouldn't move, her back was screaming in pain, and her legs felt numb.

Panic started to set in. She was alone and had just sent her mom away and now she couldn't breathe. Her throat was closing and her vision was starting to grow dark. All she could feel was pain and a desperate need to breathe.

As she fell backwards onto the bed, Korra blindly reached for the bowl of soup. She grabbed hold of it, the contents burning her hand. With all the strength she had, Korra threw the bowl into the wall on her right and it shattered loudly.

Everything started to blur, and her focus faded in and out.

"Korra!" It was her mother.

Darkness fell over her again.

"My only sunshine, you make me happy, when skies are grey." Someone was singing to her. She felt like she was just a kid again sitting in her mother's arms outside, all wrapped up in a big fur blanket. They would wait for her father to return from a hunt and the day he was coming home they would sit outside and watch for him.

Her mom would always make her dad's favorite meal and they'd spend the whole night hearing stories of what he'd seen and how much fun it was. Those were the memories Korra had before the compound. Before she bent fire and earth and was shoved into this life.

They were happy memories. Memories of a life she wished she had back.

"Oh Spirits, Korra." Asami's voice was terrified but suddenly so close. She felt a pair of lips pressing against her cheek and the singing continued.

A moment later, Korra felt herself being lifted up.

She could barely see Asami, those green eyes shimmering through the haze around her.

Korra was so tired. She just wanted to  _sleep_.

The next thing she felt was a very cool sensation against her forehead. It was so welcoming that Korra felt her lungs opening up. She took in greedy breaths, wanting to draw in as much air as she possibly could. With each breath she took, the world seemed to refocus.

Her mother was in front of her. Korra could see her warm face watching her worriedly as she pressed a cloth against her forehead.

That was when Korra realized she was sitting on the closed toilet seat. The recognition of surroundings must have been noticeable because Senna's eyes started to well up as she smiled.

"Sweetheart, can you hear me?"

She nodded, appreciating every breath she took. "Y—yeah. What happened?"

There was a sudden pressure on her cheek and Korra looked over to see Asami had been kissing her. "You had a panic attack. You're okay" She said with a soft, shaky voice. "You're okay now."

Bile rose in Korra's throat and she barely managed to push Senna out of the way before she threw up all over the floor. Her throat burned as it released, and she could feel it singing in her nose and reached up to wipe it away.

"Ugh." Korra grimaced at the way her head felt like it was swimming.

"Oh Korra," Asami said as she rubbed Korra's back. Senna used the cold rag to dab at Korra's mouth and nose. All the while she waterbent the bile into the bathtub and down the drain.

"Have you eaten today at all?" Senna asked, sounding particularly motherly. Korra swallowed the awful taste in her mouth and shook her head. She didn't eat today, or the day before. Her stomach had felt off and the idea of food was miserable.

Korra settled back against the bathtub and closed her eyes. "No." She sniffed sharply licked her dry lips. "I think I have a stomach bug."

"That doesn't explain the panic attack," Asami said as she tried to keep her voice as even as possible.

"I'm okay," Korra said despite being far from okay. She grabbed onto the wall and used it to pull herself up, Senna and Asami both fretting as she tried. "I just need to eat some food and I'll feel better." She put on a smile to try and convince them. Asami's worried expression proved how much said smile was failing. "I've been so focused on Tenzin's visit that I forgot to eat today."

"Sweetheart, you just threw up. You should probably lie down."

Korra brushed her mom off with a laugh. "I'm fine, really. I think I just needed to get it out." She moved back into the bedroom, pretending to ignore the worried look her mother and Asami shared. "I did mess up your bowl though, Mom. I'm sorry."

"I don't care about the  _bowl_ , Korra." Senna's hands were gently rubbing her back. "I just want you to be okay. You…you  _really_  scared me."

Chewing on her bottom lip, Korra decided her best course of action was to completely buy in to how  _fine_  she was. If she stayed in the south any longer, she was going to lose her mind. That vision wouldn't stop stalking her here. She had to get away from it. Once Tenzin saw, once everyone saw, how far she'd come, she could go back where she belonged.

Turning quickly, Korra pulled her mother into a tight hug and kissed the top of her head. "I'm sorry, Mom. Really, I didn't mean to scare you." She then looked up at Asami, whose eyes were hard and unconvinced. "You too."

Asami frowned and Korra pulled away carefully from her mom. "Will you make me some more soup? " She smiled at Senna. "I'll come eat it in the kitchen."

_You're trying too hard._

With a nod, Senna ducked away and Korra refocused on her girlfriend. "Sorry about this morning. I—I'm ready to stop being sad."

"You don't have to be, Korra. I'm not…upset that you're sad. I'm not upset at all. I just don't like it when you hide from me."

For a split second, Korra felt the facade fade away. She wasn't sad; she was just scared. So scared that this would all collapse around her and she would realize that every drop of sweat she'd poured into rebuilding her life wouldn't matter. It had to be okay, because she would be so lost if it wasn't.

Reaching out, Korra took Asami's hands into her own. "No more hiding. I promise. I just…I spent a lot of time thinking today and that—in the bathroom—was…enough to convince me that I have to stop shutting you out. Mom and Dad too."

She was  _too_  okay and she knew it. From where she'd been moments ago to now smiling and acting like everything was normal. But it had to be normal-she'd seen the way they looked at her. Like she belonged bedridden, back in that wheelchair. She wouldn't go back.

"Just like that?" Asami pressed with her eyes searching Korra's for some trace of a lie. Korra nodded. "Korra, you once asked me a question and made me promise; no lies, no secrets. Just the truth." She remembered. It was about whether or not Asami regretted coming here with her. "I'm doing the same right now. You say you love me. I love you so much and I'm asking you as your partner. Are you okay?"

 _You're okay. You're going to blow them away at that training session and you're going to get your life back. You're the Avatar. You've overcome everything. You_ —

The figure loomed behind Asami again. Korra could see it out of the corner of her eye. She didn't dare look at it. Instead she focused on the green eyes staring back at her and smiled.

"I'm okay."

—

Korra took a deep breath when she finally woke up, the light of the day barely peeking in through her window. She moved her hand to rub her sweat-covered face. It was hot. She was buried under a blanket and sticking to Asami's naked body beneath her. They'd had a very passionate night, with Korra trying to express all of her feelings to Asami. Her fear, and her doubt, her love and the unyielding need she had to make this day perfect.

Moving slightly, Korra felt her leg detach from Asami's and the movement was enough to stir her bed mate.

"Hmmm," Asami mumbled, swallowing thickly. "Korra?"

Unable to contain the excitement bubbling in her stomach, Korra leaned over and kissed her sloppily. "Hey you," she said lightly, making Asami smile.

"You're happy."

Korra laughed breathily. "Today is a good day. Are you ready to go back to Republic City?"

Asami shrugged and pulled Korra into her arms. "Can't say I'm ready or not. I love it here and I miss the city. I'm happy either way."

The way she said it was indifferent enough, but Korra knew that Asami was letting her know that she would be okay either way. Which meant that she still thought there was a chance Korra wouldn't  _be_  ready.

"We're gonna go back," Korra said softly. "I'd like to do this visit with Tenzin then just travel back with him and Jinora in a couple days." She looked up at Asami's green eyes watching her. "Is that okay?"

With a weak smile, Asami nodded. "That's fine, Korra."

She wanted to say something else, to make sure that Asami was really with her one-hundred percent. But the questions died in her mind. She couldn't think about that. There was no time to dwell. They could handle it after she showed off her skills.

Korra practically bounced out of bed. Her feet hit the floor and she was in the shower before Asami had even fully woken up.

When she came out of the shower, toweling her hair despite not needing to, Asami was wrapped up in the sheet and Korra's mouth went dry. They had literally spent the night together and yet seeing Asami the next morning still fried her brain. Hair a mess, shoulders exposed as she clutched the sheet around her before heading to the shower. Korra wondered what the reaction might be if she scooped Asami up and threw her on the bed again.

"You wanna—"

"Korra," Asami chuckled. "No. I have to shower and Tenzin will be here any minute."

She pouted. "But—"

"Shower, me, you get dressed and go get ready." Asami strode over and gave her a kiss before ducking into the shower. Korra waterbent her hair dry the rest of the way, casually tossing the towel on the bed before finding her clothes for the day.

The sun was barely over the horizon when Korra spotted the bison coming down from the sky. She let go of Asami's hand and raced towards it as it landed.

Tenzin climbed off slowly and Jinora choose to airbend her way down and the moment he turned around, Korra engulfed him in a hug with Asami striding up behind her

"It's so good to see you!" She squeezed him and felt his hands on her shoulders pulling her back.

"How have you been, Korra?" He smiled warmly. His tone was softer than she'd ever heard it before. "You look great."

The words made her heart swell. She was so ready. "I feel great." She clutched his hands with her own and pulled him to follow her. "Come on, I want to show you how much better I'm doing."

She could hear Asami and Jinora chuckle as she pulled him to the training ground.

Once she put on her gear, Korra slipped the helmet on and peeked over where Tenzin, Jinora, Asami and Katara were standing watch. She felt her body loosening up, ready to deliver a show they'd not soon forget. Korra pushed away every ounce to doubt in her stomach and readied her stance.

The three White Lotus guards across from her did the same. She threw two fire punches with each hand, then spun fully with a kick that shot another stream of flame at them.

They effortlessly dodged her attacks, not meant to hurt them, but they were just standing there flat footed.

Korra glared at them. "Attack!" She threw her hands up. "I can take it."

Two of the guards shared a look before they all started racing towards her.

The first one threw a fire kick at her and Korra spun, sticking her leg out to absorb the blow. They sent a stream of flame at her and she ducked, spinning underneath of it effortlessly. She could feel herself smiling at how easy this was, how good she felt.

Once back on her feet, a thick ball of flame was hurtling towards her and Korra was prepared to surge through it and take them all down. However, when she came through, it wasn't the White Lotus guards she saw. It was Zaheer. He was in the sky, staring at her as he had on that mountain, before he started to toss her from rock to rock. Breaking her bones, destroying her body with the intent to end her life. She couldn't stop him, she couldn't—

When she refocused, fire was coming at her, Korra barely had time to throw her hands up and block the first blow. It hit her hard, knocking her backwards. She blindly threw two fire punches into the air. She had to show off her skill, she had to recover, but her mind wouldn't catch up to what she was doing.

Suddenly, a heavy shot struck her and she went tumbling backwards. She smacked the ground hard, rolling twice and then a third time before ending up face first on the ground. Her back stung with a familiar pain, she took slow and deep breaths to try and relax.

"Alright," Tenzin's footsteps raced towards her. "The sparring match is over."

Korra closed her eyes, the shock of it all washing away. The adrenaline faded and left nothing behind. She'd fallen flat on her face, literally. She was no further along now than she was eighteen months ago.

She tugged off her helmet, her wolf tail bouncing back as Tenzin pulled at her arm to help her up.

"I thought I was ready." The defeat she felt was unlike anything she could remember. After this long, she still wasn't ready. She couldn't fight three guards in a safe location, with non-violent bending? What good was she like this?

"There's no shame in taking the time to make a full recovery," Tenzin tried to soothe her, but Korra was barely listening. "Being the Avatar can wait."

_If I'm not the Avatar, then what good am I?_

"Korra!" Asami called and she glanced over Tenzin's shoulder to see her and Jinora coming over.

She frowned. "What about the Earth Kingdom? I've heard it's a mess out there."

"The situation has been stabilizing since Kuvira took charge."

Asami's hands found Korra's shoulders. "Are you okay?"

Gently, Korra pulled away from her. "That should be me out there fixing things. Not her."

"I know you want to help, Korra." Asami was not going to be deterred from comforting Korra. Even if she didn't want it. "But it sounds like everyone has this under control."

Tenzin nodded. "She's right. I just think you need to—"

Korra snapped a glare at him. "If you say be patient I swear I am gonna water-smack you in the mouth."

"N—No…" Tenzin looked away sheepishly. "I was going to say you need to… _not_ …worry about the future." He resettled. "Be grateful for where you are now and the progress you've made."

_What progress?_

Everything started to boil over. Korra could feel the anger rising in her stomach, right alongside the tears stinging behind her eyes. She needed to get away from this place, away from another memory of how much of a failure she was.

Korra threw her helmet down and stormed off. Jinora called her name, but when Asami didn't, she kept walking. When she climbed down the stairs of the sparring area, Korra's speed picked up. She glanced back, tears now spilling down her cheeks and was glad to see that no one had followed her. Once she was far enough away, Korra stared to run. She wasn't sure where she was going. Anywhere her feet would take her. As far away from this place and this moment as she could possibly go.

\----------

She felt like an idiot. There was nothing good that would come from this. Korra found herself sitting up against Naga in the middle of the night with a bottle of Fire Whiskey that had been given to her father for his birthday. She hadn't even opened it yet and she wasn't sure if she was going to.

It just seemed like the right thing to do. The events of today had left her empty and hopeless, why not drink? Korra knew it was supposed to make you feel better, or at least, make you forget. That's what she wanted more than anything: to forget. To forget how far she had fallen and how much the world needed her when she couldn't do anything to help.

More than that, she wanted to forget her place in the world as the Avatar. What good had come from that? When she found out she had been chosen it was the best thing ever. It was her life, and became the entirety of who she was. Now, with that gone, who was she? Korra didn't have a place in this world. Could she really just stay here, work the waters fishing or in the mountains hunting, coming home to a small hut near the palace where Asami had cooked a meal for her?

No, Korra would never make Asami stay here. She was meant for far greater things than to be stuck with a has been who was supposed to be great.

The thought made her chest ache, like a heart attack. Letting Asami go was the worst thing she could think of. At the same time, it felt necessary. How was it fair to hold her back? Korra could barely love her properly and that was almost worse than how crippled her body and mind were.

 _Cripple_.

She hated that word, hated it with every fibre of her being because it meant there was something wrong with her. It made her feel different, made her stand out, and the last thing she wanted was to stand out for the most deficient parts of herself.

The seal of the bottle cracked easily under her grip. At least I'm strong enough to do that, she thought before tossing the cap as far as she could. Naga shifted a bit behind her and Korra reached back to gently stroke the polar-bear dog's fur.

"Sorry girl," she whispered before lifting up the bottle. The whiskey was dark red, like the color of Asami's jacket.

 _Asami_.

It was a wonder she hadn't been sought out yet by Asami or her parents or even Tenzin. They were giving her space, she supposed, and in all honesty she was very thankful for that. If they were around her right now they would probably wish they weren't.

Self hate could be pretty toxic.

With her nerves on edge, Korra tipped the bottle to her lips. She could smell the biter alcohol as it rolled slowly out of the bottle. Closing her eyes, Korra tilted her head back and took a shot. She swallowed it down quickly, not allowing it to sit in her mouth for long. It burned all the way down. The taste was awful but the way it settled in her throat and chest was warm, welcoming even. She took a few deep breaths, trying to swallow away the lingering awfulness in her mouth.

"Spirits," she muttered as her eyes started to water. Korra reached up with the back of her hand and brushed at them. With a heavy sigh, she glanced down at the bottle gently tucked between her legs and rolled her eyes. "You're such an idiot."

"You said it, not me." The voice came from the entrance to the stable and Korra looked up to see Asami leaning against the wall. She was bundled up in a blue coat with white fur lining, her hair was down, dancing around her face-he picture of beauty and Korra looked from her to the bottle between her legs and suddenly felt foolish. "Planning on drinking your problems away?"

Korra grinned at Asami's gentle tone and put the lid back on. "That's how it goes in the romance novels, isn't it?"

"Well," Asami pushed off the wall and stepped over to sit next to Korra. "It is but…by this point we'd probably be having sex on Naga's back."

The polar-bear dog grumbled and Korra couldn't stop herself from laughing. She felt so empty just moments prior but now…she just wanted to soak in every detail of this moment. Another low point, and here was Asami, as always.

"I love you," Korra said, picking up the bottle and moving it aside. She closed her eyes as she exhaled and let the truth settle over her. Just say it. "I'm not okay."

Asami shifted over to close the distance between them and pulled Korra in for a hug. "You are okay. You're just not completely healed yet."

"It's been almost  _two_  years, Asami. I'm strong again, I'm fast, I can bend all the elements. I just…I don't feel like I used to. I don't feel like the Avatar anymore." She rested her forehead in the juncture of Asami's neck and shoulder. "I don't know what to do."

With hands on her shoulders, Asami pushed Korra back and stared into her eyes. "It's your decision, Korra. You  _are_  the Avatar. More so than that, you're an adult. It's your life. You don't have to wait for Tenzin's approval or your parents…or even  _me_." Asami sighed with a smile. "If you want to go back to Republic City, we can do that. If you want to stay here and keep working, we'll do that too."

"No," Korra shook her head. "It's not just about me. What about you? I know you get bored here because I do too. This can't be what you're used to."

"Well," Asami chuckled. "It isn't but I'm not complaining either. I love it here. I love your family and I keep myself busy helping out." The hands on Korra's shoulders started to slowly run up and down her arms. A flash of doubt crossed Asami's face. "I just worry sometimes that you don't want me here."

An overwhelming sense of guilt fell over Korra. She was an expert at pushing Asami away when she was sad, more so now than before because Korra didn't want to start anymore fights. That night and those words Asami said to her were like nightmare fuel. They sparked small panics and loss of control. When Korra was sad, she couldn't stop herself from making mistakes. Like the bottle of whiskey next to her, a mistake she had started to make before Asami found her.

"Asami," Korra whispered as tears brimmed in her eyes. Stop making mistakes. "I'm scared."

"Of what?"

She looked at the floor, anywhere but at Asami. "What if I'm never the same?"

For a while, she was met with silence. So much so that Korra had to look up to see if Asami was even listening. When she did, Asami pushed up and crawled over closer so that her back was resting against Naga like Korra's had. At the contact, Naga shifted her head around and blew a puff of air at Asami, mussing up her hair.

"Hey," Asami cried as Korra reached over to fix it. "She'll let you lean on her but not me."

Korra chuckled. "She'll let you. She was just saying hello."

Eventually Asami settled and put her arm around Korra who leaned into her. Again they were quiet for a while, Asami absentmindedly stroking her fingers through Korra's hair. It reminded her of those nights in bed when she still couldn't walk. Those fingers had soothed her to sleep at some of the worst moments of her life. It was the most comforting feeling Korra could think of. This was her safe place.

"The truth is, Korra," Asami finally spoke, "You're probably never going to be the same again." Korra started to pull away but a strong arm held her in place. "That's  _okay_. When my mother died…I changed. When my father became what he became, I changed again." Asami leaned down and kissed the top of her head. "What happened to you will always be a part of you. It's not going to suddenly be okay one day. I was there, I remember how awful it was and I—I can't imagine what it was like for you." Korra closed her eyes. She could feel herself being thrown from rock to rock, her bones breaking, the air in her lungs being torn away.  _STOP_. "I just remember," Asami continued as if she knew Korra was fighting with her own mind, "deciding after my father that…I wasn't going to let it defeat me." Asami reached over and grabbed the bottle. "I was in a very similar situation then. Before we went to stay on Air Temple Island, when I was getting my stuff, I grabbed a bottle and I thought I could just drink it all away."

Korra sat up and saw Asami staring at the dark liquid. "You didn't though?"

"No." Asami put it down. "I hate the stuff, but that's not really the point. You don't drink it because you like it. You drink it because it makes you forget."

"Yeah," Korra chuckled. "That's what I was going for."

"You shouldn't though," Asami tipped up her chin and smiled. "Don't forget. You question your strength all the time but to me, you're the strongest person I've ever known and you… _amaze_  me every day with your strength." She sighed and rested their foreheads together. "It hasn't always been easy. We've hit our share of rough patches lately but you are still the Avatar, Korra. Even if you don't feel like it, you  _are_. The world can wait for you to feel better. To feel ready. Truly ready, not because you think you need to, but because you are."

Korra nodded slowly, feeling her hands started to close around Asami's waist. "I'm not sure how to get better though."

"Then we'll figure it out. You will figure it out. Whatever—" hesitation flashed in Asami's face. It was so brief that anyone else might have missed it. Korra did not. "Whatever you decide you have to do, I support you."

The way she said it, the sadness in her voice confused Korra. It hurt her even because she couldn't understand what Asami meant. She wanted to ask more questions. To figure out what that meant. But suddenly she was being kissed and her legs were gently being pulled away so she was lying more on her back.

"Asami?" Korra pulled back just a bit to read her girlfriend's eyes.

There was nothing in them now but love. "How about tonight, I'll be the thing that helps you forget."

Any questions she may have had died when Asami's hand pushed through the hem of her pants and started to run delicate circles over the place she'd learned so well.

Korra cried out, suddenly strangely aware that Naga was what she was resting against. "Wait, wait."

Asami stopped. "What's wrong?" She asked, pulling back with smudged lipstick that was surely all over Korra's neck.

"Naga—I don't—this is weird. Like the romance novel."

Suddenly Asami's eyes went wide and she glanced at the sleeping polar-bear dog and then back to Korra. "Oh spirits."

Quickly, Asami removed her hand from Korra's pants and started laughing. Naga seemed as indifferent as ever but Korra knew the moment had probably passed. "Sorry."

"No," Asami shook her head. "No, you're right. That was…I got caught up in the moment." Flush faced and messy, Asami had never looked more beautiful to Korra than she did in that moment, lying on the ground, pressed up against Naga after one of the most disappointing days of her life. "What?" Asami asked as Korra continued to stare.

It hit her then what this was. It was the same thing Asami always did. Right now Korra wasn't thinking about the Avatar. She wasn't thinking about what she needed to do to be better. She was thinking about Asami. It was comfort and love and safety.

Things like this should be welcomed, but Korra realized in  _this moment_  that not only was she holding Asami back...

Asami was holding  _her_  back. By bandaging over the deepest wounds she had. Not allowing them to heal because Korra could sustain herself on Asami's love just enough to make it through the worst of days.

Never fixing the problem.

Korra kissed her again, this time slow and passionate, trying to pour all of her love into this one kiss because the sudden realization that had struck her in that moment was threatening to spill out and ruin  _everything_.


	6. Last Chance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As the reality of what she must do sets in, Korra clings to one last chance to save both herself and her relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Flashback in italics

_“Are you okay?”_

_Korra stopped pacing and closed her eyes. This small compartment on the airship was the only place she’d found where she could be alone. It seemed so isolated, but of course Asami would know about it._

_The softness of her voice made the fear settle in. She couldn’t let it consume her. She had to do this. She had no other choice._

_“Once we get the airbenders back and everyone is safe then I’ll—“_

_“I didn’t ask about the plan,” Asami interrupted and Korra felt a soft hand drape across her shoulder. “I asked how_ you _were doing?”_

_There was nobody in the world that Korra trusted more than Asami. If there was anyone she could tell her fears to, it was her. “I might die today.” She said and hated how frightened she sounded. “I’m scared.”_

_Suddenly she was being pulled into a very tight hug. Korra hesitated at first. Her new feelings for Asami were so unfamiliar and completely unexpected. They had grown so close over the last few months traveling through the the Earth Kingdom. Many of Korra’s days started with Asami being the first thing on her mind and the last thing she thought about before bed._

_They sparred together, they ate meals together, they spent more time with one another than with anybody else. It was…scary, how much Korra had come to rely on Asami’s presence in her life._

_It made right now--feeling her arms around her--all the more special. Korra sunk into the embrace, grabbing onto the material of Asami’s jacket and holding on tight._

_“You’re going to be okay.” Asami whispered. “All of us are set on getting you out of there once the airbenders are safe.”_

_Korra swallowed the thick lump in her throat. When she’d agreed to give herself over to the Red Lotus, the idea of actually being saved didn’t seem possible. In a lot of ways, it still didn’t. But it wasn’t anything she could control. It was her duty and sacrifice was a part of that._

_Still, that didn’t take the fear away._

_Pulling back from the hug, Korra watched Asami’s hand reach up and touch her cheek. She felt the pad of Asami’s thumb brush under her eye and realized she’d been crying._

_“Oh,” Korra stepped away and quickly wiped at her eyes. “Sorry, I really am okay.”_

_Asami smiled sadly. “It’s nothing to apologize for. I’m really scared too.”_

_Confidence was never anything Korra lacked, and right now, she needed to be that person. To reassure this girl she cared for so much--that they would be okay. For Korra, that was all that mattered. That the people she loved be safe. Whatever happened to her, she could handle._

_“You’ll be fine, you’re Asami Sato. A few benders aren’t gonna slow you down.”_

_“Well,” Asami chuckled. “You’re right about that.” Silence fell over them for a moment and Korra wondered how long they could just stand here like this. Eventually she’d have to leave and step into the fire. She had no idea what Zaheer had in mind for her but it was certainly not good. It was never good. People had wanted her dead the moment she was born. “Hey,” Asami was suddenly much closer than she had been before. “When we get back from this, I’m gonna take you out for a meal okay? Just the two of us.”_

_Korra’s brows furrowed curiously. Something about Asami’s voice was different, more nervous. “Okay?” Her questioning tone caused a flash of hesitation in Asami’s eyes. “I mean I would really like that”_

_“Good,” Asami smiled brightly. “Because I have something I want to talk to you about.”_

_Three knocks sounded on the small door._

_“Asami,” It was Lin. “We need you to bring the airship in.”_

_Lowering her head, Asami sighed softly. “Well, I_ am _the only one who can park this thing.”_

_The fear came rushing back, somehow it had been washed away through Asami’s presence. It was an effect that Asami had on her. This uncanny ability to make her forget the hardest parts of her life.. “I—I should go get ready I suppose.”_

_“I’ll see you on the other side?”_

_Korra nodded. “I’ll come and find you as soon as it’s over.” She said it, even if she didn’t entirely believe it._

_With one more smile, Asami left Korra alone._

\---------------

The bed squeaked just slightly as Korra felt her hips bucking again. She couldn’t help herself. Korra legs were spread open as Asami’s finger delicately curled up inside of her. Her girlfriend’s head was resting on her stomach and Korra’s hand was tangled up in her hair.

It was a lazy morning. The sun had barely started to rise, sheets were ruffled just below Korra’s thighs and she could only see the skin of Asami’s back from where she’d pushed up her pink nightdress. Korra had needed skin to touch, the tips of her fingers sliding across the dip in Asami’s spine.

When Asami’s thumb touched Korra’s tender bundle of nerves, she had to force herself not to jerk Asami’s hair. It felt so good, she wanted to bottle up this entire morning. It started with a few lazy kisses in the dark and turned into Asami suddenly pushing her pants down and giving her... _this_.

“I’m close,” Korra whispered as her hips tried to jump up again. Asami laughed quietly before holding her down. “Unf,” Korra moaned, a bit louder than she probably should have.

The warmth in her stomach built, her chest rose into the air and she came. Her legs started to shake as she arched her back higher, needing to move her body as the sensations rattled through her.

She was still reeling when Asami moved back and kissed her. Korra could barely kiss back through the heavy breaths she was taking. Knowing full well that her breath couldn’t be very nice at this hour. Asami didn’t seem to mind though. Instead she shifted to kissing Korra’s jaw tenderly.

“What--“ Korra sighed as she ran a hand down her trembling thigh. “What was that for?”

Asami smiled and laid her head on Korra’s chest. “We both woke up early and…I know we didn’t get to last night because of the weird Naga thing so I wanted to do what I planned to do in the first place.”

Korra found herself holding Asami tighter. Last night had been such a strange experience. From feeling empty, to feeling loved, to feeling terrified.

Even now, this morning with Asami, it was easy to lie here with her and pretend the future didn’t matter. Why wouldn’t this be enough? Just mornings like this, feeling so good and holding the girl she loved close to her. Right now everything felt perfect.

But Korra knew the rest morning would come and the realization that she was still not right would settle in. Tenzin would most likely be giving his ‘you’re not ready’ speech before he left. At some point she’d see that haunting vision following her around and the low points would come.

The truth was, she couldn’t stay in bed with Asami forever. Asami couldn’t be the only thing that kept her head above water.

Suddenly Korra rolled over, her body weight pressed atop Asami who went wide eyed with a threatening smile.

“What—“

“Shh,” Korra kissed her deeply, dipping her tongue into Asami’s mouth and feeling her girlfriend’s moan vibrate through her. She pulled back and stared into Asami’s dark eyes. “It’s your turn.”

Korra wondered if it was wrong to keep doing this, knowing what she knew now. The doubts didn’t stop her, not today at least.

———

The next time Korra woke up, she was alone. It was an unfamiliar feeling given that she always woke up first. After their morning activities concluded, the sun came up and they both fell back asleep. Now, Asami was nowhere to be found and Korra sat up with the sheet pulled around her.

“Asami?” She called towards the bathroom door. It was open slightly, but after waiting a moment with no answer, she knew it was empty.

 _This is what it will be like_.

The thought was brutal but entirely true. This is what every morning would feel like if she did what that voice in her head was telling her to. Telling her that she needed to run, to find herself. To figure this out on her own. Without Asami there to gather up the broken pieces and hold them together.

The idea of leaving Asami was terrifying for a lot of reasons. In Korra’s mind, it would be permanent, because Asami would hate her for it.

In a perfect world, she would tell Asami her decision, she would accept and they’d part ways with the plan of reuniting again. But Korra knew it wasn’t that easy. She couldn’t tell Asami because of how easily Asami could talk her out of it.

It was a weakness, _Asami_ was a weakness and as much as Korra loved her—that weakness was holding her back.

Stepping out of bed, Korra let the sheet fall away and reached for her clothes. She dressed quickly. Wanting to find Asami and have breakfast with her if she hadn’t eaten already. Perhaps it was the thoughts plaguing her mind, but Korra found herself wanting to be with Asami constantly.

Maybe it was selfish. Get all of the affection she could before running away. But Korra couldn’t help it, she loved Asami with everything she had and the thought of leaving her was heartbreaking.

After slipping into her jacket, Korra set out through the palace to find her.

As soon as she rounded the first corner out of her bedroom, she bumped into a tall guard dressed in a White Lotus uniform.

“Oh, sorry.” She muttered, knowing she’d been moving too fast without looking.

He sighed and adjusted his uniform before nodding. Never saying anything in response.

The White Lotus were always an enigma to Korra. They’d been around her for as long as she could remember but not one of them ever really gave her much personal attention. She could remember being young and wanting to talk to them. They were _White Lotus_ guards, they’d worked with Aang, they knew about the other Avatar’s before her. All she wanted was to learn and grow and be the best she could be. After all, they were supposed to keep her safe.

However, Korra quickly learned that they couldn’t have cared less about her. She was their job, and at times Korra was fairly certain she was a job they hated.

“Have you seen Asami?” She asked the guard as he passed by. His footsteps stopped and the way his back tensed she could tell he wasn’t in the mood to talk. Still, he turned around dutifully and shook his head.

“No, I have not,” he glanced over her shoulder for a moment. “Perhaps your friend can help you. I’ve work to do.”

Korra turned to see Jinora standing at the end of the hall with a bright smile on her face. When she glanced back at the guard, he was always walking away from her. It took everything Korra had not to bend a little bit of earth under his feet and trip him.

She didn’t though. Instead she decided to focus on Jinora.

“Hey,” she smiled as Jinora stepped closer. “What’s up?”

Jinora folded her hands behind her back. “I was wondering if you’d like to meditate with me for a while? After yesterday I thought it might be good to clear your head.”

Despite the kind offer, the thought of meditating was far from appealing. Korra hadn’t felt connected to her spiritual side much even _before_ Zaheer. Since then, she hadn’t meditated once. It seemed impossible that she could ever clear her head enough.

“I—I was actually hoping to find Asami.”

“Oh,” Jinora shook her head slowly. “She’s out right now with your dad and mine. Dad’s hoping that Asami might be able to help make some new suits for our airbenders. Something a bit more…modern.”

Korra couldn’t help but smile at that. “That would be nice.”

“Yes,” Jinora chuckled, fanning her robes. “I swear I spend half my day trying not to trip over these things. Plus Asami mentioned something about glider suits and your dad got very excited and wanted to hear more so he tagged along. I think he likes your girlfriend.”

Even through her own blushing at hearing someone else call Asami her girlfriend, Korra noted that the jealousy was gone. It was replaced with something different. No longer did she wonder why Asami could talk with her parents better than she could. Instead, she found herself hoping that if she left, they’d look after her and make sure she was okay.

_Since you’re going to hurt her so much you selfish—_

“Dad’s fond of Asami,” she said finally with a weak smile.

Suddenly Jinora was grabbing her hand. “Come on. Let’s go meditate for a little while. If it doesn’t work we’ll play fetch with Naga or something.”

There was no room to protest as she was dragged away.

———

“It’s not working,” Korra sighed with defeat as her hands fell into her lap. They’d been up here for almost an hour and Korra hadn’t been able to free her mind long enough to enter any sort of spiritual calm.

She glanced over at Jinora, whose eyes were still shut yet she wore a tiny smile on her face. “You’re thinking too much.”

Korra rolled her eyes. “Duh, that’s exactly my problem.” She found herself laughing softly. “I haven’t been able to meditate at all since...”

Finally opening her eyes, Jinora glanced over at her. “So you’ve tried?”

“I’ve tried _everything_.” Korra ran a hand through her hair and pulled out the wolf tail to let it fall free. “I can’t—“ she focused on the endless water in front of her. The weight of what she was about to say pressing down on her. Threatening to swallow her whole if she didn’t say it. “I don’t think I’ll ever get better.” She shook her head. “I don’t know what to do. I have so many questions and doubts and… _fears_.”

“Well,” Jinora scooted closer. “What does your heart tell you to do?”

Korra smiled wryly at the thought. “I don’t trust my heart anymore,” she looked sheepishly at Jinora. “I gave it away and Asami controls that now. If I listen to it it’ll just tell me to let her take care of me forever. Which isn’t really an option for the Avatar.” 

“You really love her don’t you?”

She nodded. “More than anything.”

Despite the seriousness of the conversation, Jinora couldn’t contain a squeal of delight. Korra shot her a slightly annoyed look. “I’m sorry, it’s just that I can finally tell Meelo that I was right. That you and her were in love.” Korra refocused on the water.

“Love isn’t gonna fix me though.”

Jinora hummed slightly. “I don’t know,” she patted Korra on the shoulder. “I don’t think you’re broken.”

“No?” Korra quirked a brow. “I certainly feel that way.”

“I don’t see why. You can do everything you used to before right? Except go into the Avatar state?”

“Well yeah but—“ _I’m haunted by visions of Zaheer and that day. I am terrified that I’m losing my mind and doubting myself at every turn. I’m fairly certain that I’ve made my decision to run already and am going to lose everything I have._ “That’s pretty important.”

They were quiet for a while, Jinora peacefully watching the water and Korra’s mind continuing to wander to the thought of actually _leaving_ this place on her own. She had no idea where she would go. Search for healers or someone with more information who could help her. Try and run away from these nightmares and visions.

Search for Raava again perhaps. Find some way to tap back into that connection and free herself from the cage of her own mind.

Break Asami’s heart and do the one thing she had asked her specifically _not_ to do.

“My dad and I were talking with grandma Katara last night and she says that you’re right back where you were, physically. You’re as strong as ever.”

Somehow, this made Korra feel worse. “Then why am I a step slow and always seem weaker than I was? Why am I not the same Avatar I used to be?”

“Maybe it’s all in your head?” Jinora squeezed her shoulder. “That’s what grandma thinks too. She says you’re fighting demons.”

She closed her eyes, the darkness giving her some sense of bravery. “She’s not wrong.”

Again they fell silent, Korra continued to try and control her thoughts and not let the fear of them overwhelm her. She knew what she _needed_ to do, or what she felt she needed to do. But needing to do it and being able to were entirely different.

When Jinora stood, she brushed off her robes and stepped in front of Korra with a warm smile. “I’m just a kid, Korra.” She started, sounding far wiser than the kid she was. “I don’t have a lot of experience in the things you went through. I just know that if i was me, I’d do whatever I had to do to feel comfortable again. No matter what happens, the people who love you will be here for you. My mom always says that we make our decisions for us, good and bad, because the only person we really have to live with is ourselves.” She stepped forward and gave Korra a hug. It reminded Korra of the night of Jinora’s airbending master ceremony. When Jinora had told her she was her sister and how proud of her she was. How Korra’s strength re-birthed an entire nation. Jinora’s spirit had always made Korra feel like she was capable of more. She and Asami both had that effect on her. “After everything you’ve done for the people you love. You’re allowed to be a little selfish.”

The hug broke moments later and Korra felt the tears spilling down her cheeks. This time, she welcomed them. They felt like tension pouring away. Hearing it from someone else, that she was being selfish and that it was _okay_. It would hurt so badly, but it was the only choice she had left.

“Thank you,” Korra whispered before finally wiping at her cheeks.

Jinora smiled brightly with her own eyes glistening. “I’m going to head back now and check on Dad.”

Korra swallowed the lump in her throat. “I think I’ll sit out here for a bit. It’s peaceful.”

With a smile, Jinora left her alone and Korra started to come to grips with the idea that she would never recover here.

\-----------

With Asami’s hand in her own, Korra watched as Tenzin continued to pack up Oogi’s saddle. They were leaving today and despite not actually saying it, Tenzin had not given his vote of confidence for her to return to the city.

None of them would say it as it was meant. That he wasn’t _allowing_ her to return, but that was why he’d come. To evaluate her progress and see if she was the Avatar he remembered. Of course, she’d failed miserably and now he was leaving and she was as lost as ever.

“You know, Korra.” Tenzin started as he closed up a pouch on Oogi’s saddle and airbent his way to the ground. “I believe I might have an idea that you could find useful in your recovery.”

Korra quirked a brow up at him with no verbal response. Asami squeezed her hand a little tighter. “What is it?” Asami answered for her.

Tenzin smiled softly. “What do you know of the Spirit Oasis?”

“The Spirit Oasis?” Korra echoed with a frown. “I—I don’t know. I remember a little from my studies with the White Lotus I suppose.” She tried to think back to those days. Much of it was trying to stay awake and rolling her eyes when they tried to glance over the violence of the past Avatars. Which meant that Korra was barely able to hear anything about Kyoshi unless she studied on her own time.

“It was created by the moon and ocean spirits.” Asami spoke up and surprised both Korra and Tenzin. “It’s where Aang crossed into the Spirit World before Prince Zuko showed up to kidnap him.”

“Yes,” Tenzin nodded, clearly impressed. Korra couldn’t help but smirk at how pleased with herself Asami was. “It’s also where Princess Yue gave up her life to Tui because he’d given life to the princess.”

Korra huffed at everyone’s knowledge of things she didn’t know. “Okay, but what does all this have to do with me?”

“Well,” Tenzin narrowed his eyes. “Clearly it is a very spiritual place and given where you are, it is within traveling distance and might be a great location to try and reconnect to your Avatar Spirit, to the Avatar State and find the balance you’re searching for.”

As far as Korra was concerned, any option was better than the one circulating in the back of her mind. It was a long shot, but what wasn’t. After two years, any idea was worth looking into.

“The Spirit Oasis is a very spiritual place according to the texts.” Asami said with a bit of hope in her voice. Korra tried to let that same hope bleed over to her.

“With the portal now opened it would only be a short trip.” Korra said, mostly thinking out loud. “I’m sure Desna and Eska would let us stay the night and then in the morning we could travel to the Oasis and… _try_.”

Tenzin touched her shoulder softly. “It’s worth looking into. You’ve come so far Korra, I would hate to see you get discouraged. You have time, the world can handle itself while you figure this out.”

Even though she nodded in agreement, Korra did not believe that she had _time_. She needed to sort this out. She needed to be done with all of this doubt and weakness.

“Are you up for it?” She glanced over at Asami. “Just the two of us?”

A smile was returned to her. “Of course, I told you I’m with you for anything.”

Given her most recent experience sparring with the White Lotus guards to impress Tenzin, Korra was not allowing herself to be optimistic for this. Still, it was _something_. It was a direction and a destination. A place to go and a task to take on. At this point, that was all she could ask for.

“I guess we’re going to the North Pole.”

Asami chuckled with a slight pout. “I deserve a vacation at Ember Island when this is all done. I’m so _cold_.”

Korra stepped over with a smile and wrapped Asami up in a big bear hug, ignoring the groan from Tenzin.

“I’ll keep you warm my little turtle duck.”

“Little? She’s still taller than you.” It was Tonraq’s booming voice that sounded from behind them and Korra peeked over Asami’s shoulder to see him walking with Katara and Jinora.

Jinora raced over and stood next to Korra who was still holding Asami close. She had a bright smile on her face, reminding Korra of how young she really was despite her wisdom. “You two are so cute.”

Asami laughed against Korra’s body. “It’s not really that cute,” she mumbled. “I’m just cold all the time.”

“Yep,” Korra rubbed her hands up and down Asami’s back. “And it’s my job to keep her warm.”

When they finally broke apart from their embrace, Katara was pulling Jinora in for a hug. “You need to make your father come visit more.”

Jinora nodded and looked at Tenzin. “She’s right, Dad. We should start taking more trips here!”

“Well when things settle down and I’m not needed as much in Republic City we will.” He spoke a bit distractedly as he continued to check everything on Oogi. “Right now I’m very busy with the council.” He continued on even as he climbed up onto Oogi’s back and out of sight.

Korra rolled her eyes and scooped up an unsuspecting Jinora into her arms. She squealed in delight and wrapped her arms around Korra’s neck.

“You,” she was surprised at the sudden crack in her voice. Jinora had come to mean so much to her. Not that all of them didn’t but Jinora was so special and so caring. “Take care of things for me, okay? Make sure your dad doesn’t overwork himself and that your brothers and sister aren’t too crazy.”

Jinora laughed softly. “I’m only one girl, Korra.” This made them both laugh and when Jinora’s feet were back on the ground, she grinned brightly. Tears brimming in her eyes. “If you ever need anything, just write to me and I’ll help.”

“I will, I love you, kid.” She said.

“I love you too.” The young airbender rolled her eyes. “And I’m not a kid anymore.”

Korra could only nod. “No, you’re not.”

After a few more goodbyes and one last reminded from Katara about more visits, Oogi was in the air and Asami’s arms were wrapped around Korra’s waist as everyone waved goodbye.

“Spirit Oasis huh?” Asami whispered into Korra’s ear.

She glanced down at their hands joined together at her stomach and smiled. Sometimes it overwhelmed her how much she loved Asami Sato. How much this one person had come to mean to her and how scary that was.

They were still so young, so uncertain of their future. Both distant, and immediate. There were times, like right now, where Korra wanted to wrap Asami into her arms and run away from this life with her.

There were also times, where she thought that might be the best idea she’d ever have.

But the world would never stop needing it’s Avatar and it was her responsibility to be that. Even above her love for Asami.

This would be her last chance to salvage both. Travel to the Spirit Oasis and see if she could fix herself _with_ Asami at her side.

Otherwise…

“Yep, sounds like that’s the plan. If you’re up for it.”

Asami kissed her cheek. “You know I am.”


	7. The Spirit Oasis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Korra and Asami go to the North Pole for one last chance.

“Your cousins seemed excited that you were coming.” Tonraq clapped Korra on the back as she picked up her backpack and hooked it over her shoulder.

She glanced up at him doubtfully. “Really?”

He shrugged. “Well, as excited as they ever sound. Still, they mentioned something about wanting to give you their best guest room.”

“What Desna and Eska consider ‘best’ isn’t always what the rest of us think.” She snorted a bit. “I mean, they think of each other as good company.” At her father’s frown, Korra pouted. “What? That was funny.”

“You laughed at your own joke.” He shook his head. “Before you even said it.”

Korra smacked his arm. “I am super funny--Asami thinks so.” Just then, Asami came walking up towards the just outside the palace. She had a backpack of her own slung over her shoulder and a bounce in her step. “Asami, I’m funny right? Tell my dad I’m funny.”

“I—“ she stammered for a second, glancing between the two of them. “Well, I mean, you…you make me laugh!”

“What?” Korra gasped. “That’s not the same thing at all!” She crossed her arms and decided to pretend she was extremely offended, just to see where it might take them.

Asami stepped forward and wrapped her up in a hug. “Aww, poor baby. You’re really cute though.”

“Pfft,” Korra turned her head away. “Maybe I’ll just take this trip on my own.”

“Yeah right,” Tonraq chuckled. “Like you’d spend time with your cousins alone or stay in their palace _alone_.”

He certainly had a point. “Fine, I guess we’re off then.”

“Wait!” They all turned to see Senna racing towards them with something in her hands. “I made homemade sugar cakes!”

Korra’s eyes lit up, and she also noticed her father’s do the same. “You didn’t?” Tonraq nearly grabbed the wrapped up cakes from her hands. She swatted him away. “Hey!”

Senna glared at him. “I left you some back in the house.”

“Oh.” He quickly pulled Korra and Asami into his arms. “I’ve gotta go, girls. Be safe and contact me when you arrive.”

He kissed both of them on the top of the head before practically sprinting back to the house, which made Asami laugh. “See, _he’s_ funny.”

Korra groaned and gave her mom a big hug. She then stepped back as Asami moved in to do the same.

“You girls be safe,” Senna warned gently, pointing her finger between the two of them. “I will walk through that portal and drag you back if you’re gone more than three days.”

Asami smiled. “I’ll keep her in line,” she teased and Korra couldn’t help but wonder what had put Asami in such a good mood.

“We’ll be fine, Mom. I love you.”

“Love you both.” Senna stood with her hands folded in front of her as Korra slipped on her backpack and the pair started walking towards the portal.

\--------------

The weather was harsh outside the portal. Korra knew it would be; she’d been here before. Asami was with her for only a moment, before taking Tonraq away as Korra stepped into the Spirit World for the toughest fight of her life--at the time, anyway.

What Korra had not prepared for was the sudden anxiety of being back here. The fight with Unalaq and Vaatu wasn’t as debilitating as what had happened with Zaheer. She had been beaten up for a few days, but for the most part, it was a victory she celebrated proudly.

Yes, she’d lost her past lives and that was devastating, but it had been a battle won--10,000 years of darkness stopped, and she reconnected with the light spirit inside of her and found more inner strength than she thought she had.

Of course it was all tested months later when Zaheer tore her physical body to shreds and began the slow decay of her mind and spirit. It was a battle she was still fighting, yet being here in front of this portal brought with it sudden flashes of Vaatu and the pain she felt on that day.

So much pain in Korra’s life, so many people who wanted to hurt her, dedicated their lives to it.

 _And here you stand lost and broken, unable to defend yourself and those you love_.

They were moving slower as they came closer to the portal and Korra was keeping a bit of distance from Asami. She tried to ignore what she saw, to not draw any attention to it. But just in front of the portal stood the vision of herself.

As they drew closer and closer, Korra could see it better than she had before. It was her, how she was on that day. How she remembered herself being chained up. Her shoes were missing and her armbands. The fur wrap around her waist was gone as well.

These were thoughts Korra blocked off with everything she had, not wanting to retreat to that day and those thoughts of lost control.

“Hey.” When she saw Asami walking up to her, Korra realized she’d stopped walking.

Asami looked cold, shivering and clutching her coat tightly around her. The trees around them were gusting in the wind while light snow fell at an angle directly into their faces. The sky above them was overcast with dark clouds but it was hard to tell given the way the portal was glowing in front of them.

Korra shook herself free from staring at her vision and focused on Asami’s smiling face approaching her. “Sorry,” she smiled a bit too widely. “Just…forgot how different the energy is here.”

“Really?” Asami glanced back at the portal. “Must be an Avatar thing.”

It was, for Korra. Everything about this place was vibrating within her. She could feel all the elements pulling at her. The snow beneath her feet threatening to rise up into her skin. The air around her swirling, cold and begging to be manipulated. Fire bubbled in her stomach and teased at her fingertips. Everything around her was on edge, she was on edge, and as soon as she walked through that portal she’d be able to manipulate the world around them.

“You ready for this?” she asked as Asami refocused on her. “It’s not a long walk to the other portal but the Spirit World is…different.”

“I’m ready.” Asami smiled. “I’m excited. I’ve always wanted to see what the Spirit World was like.”

Korra chuckled. “Sounds like Tenzin had the perfect plan then.” Despite her words, she felt more anxiety wash over her. It came so quickly, like tidal waves of sickness that settled into the pit of her stomach.

Once they stepped through the portal, the sky above them was dark and gloomy. The air was warmer; the snow no longer fell from the sky but was still beneath their feet. In the distance, Korra could see the Tree of Time. Between here and the other portal, it was the only real landmark around. 

They walked slowly and Korra tried like crazy to calm down the rush of nervousness inside of her.

“So this is where you fought Vaatu?” Korra nodded quietly, her eyes glancing to every rock and hillside, remembering in great detail where the battle took place. The spot where Vaatu tried to crush her in ice, where his spirit vines tried to hold her still, where he ripped Raava from her completely. “Sorry,” Asami muttered and Korra realized she’d gone quiet. “I shouldn’t have brought it up.”

“It’s fine.” Korra smiled as best she could. “This fight was a good memory. I grew a lot in the short time Vaatu and I battled here. Even if it did make me a little arrogant.”

Asami furrowed her brow. “What do you mean?”

Korra swallowed sharply and continued to survey the area. The sky cracked with thunder in the distance as she again tried to stop herself from sinking too deeply into the discomfort that bubbled in her stomach. Thoughts of Vaatu weren’t the problem; it was memories of pain and fear. The idea that she was vulnerable. Even as they walked, she could see that shadowy figure standing in front of the Tree of Time, waiting for them to pass. The fact that Asami hadn’t seen it only made the feeling worse because that meant it wasn’t real at all.

“I mean I fought the dark Avatar here and I defeated it.” She shrugged but still wouldn’t look at Asami. “Not…not the Avatar. Me? I had lost Raava, I had lost my past lives. I’d lost…everything at the time and I projected my spirit, _my_ inner spirit and I fought against 10,000 years of darkness and I won.”

“That’s because you’re amazing,” Asami boasted and squeezed her hand. “The things you’ve gone through, Korra. Nobody can question your courage.”

She smiled at the compliment, even if she no longer believed those things. There was a time when Korra wore the title of the Avatar with pride, sometimes too much pride. There was nothing wrong with letting the world know her strength, but when she was younger, she had thought physical strength alone would be enough to keep her safe.

“When Tenzin first mentioned Zaheer to me I brushed him off. Why wouldn’t I?” Korra laughed sardonically at herself. “I had just defeated Vaatu, only a few months after taking down Amon and the Equalists. I was unstoppable.” She let go of Asami’s hand and held it close to her body as they neared the tree. “Until I was stopped.”

There was suddenly a hand draped across her back. “You beat Zaheer too, you know? I mean it doesn’t feel that way sometimes but you _did_ win that fight, Korra.”

“Yeah.” Korra shook her head. “I’m a real winner.”

“Korra—

“I’m sorry, okay?” She stopped walking and let her shoulders slump. Those glowing white eyes were still staring at her in the distance but Asami stepped in front of her and then all she saw was green. “Let’s not worry about that today. I just want to get to the Spirit Oasis and see if it can help me. I—I promise, no more negative thoughts.”

Asami kissed her gently and pushed a strand of hair from her face. “You don’t have to apologize for your anxiety, Korra. Just…try and share it with me. Open up about it. I want to help.”

Despite the smile that Korra returned and the nod she offered, it wasn’t that simple. She was too tired and too stressed out about how… _ridiculous_ it would sound to ever feel the courage to say it out loud.

\-----------

As Korra pushed back the curtain to step through to where her cousins sat waiting for them, the familiar smell of cooking meat filled her nose. The sight before her was a bit surprising. Her cousins were seated in their chairs, clearly waiting for them. In front of them was a raging fire with an animal of some kind being cooked to eat. A few of the Northern palace staff were doing idle work and Korra felt Asami shift just a bit closer to her.

“Eska?” Korra called out and earned the dead gaze of her cousin. “Hey, sorry we’re a little late.”

Standing up from her chair, Eska sauntered over to them, her long coat sliding across the ground. “It is no matter. We’d decided you were attacked by yet another giant water spirit another spirit between portals and were prepared to eat without you.”

“Well,” Korra shook her head slightly. “We _survived_ and are here now. But I’m not hungry.”

“You’re not?” Asami asked, clearly surprised.

The truth was that Korra hadn’t eaten all day, but there was so much disquiet inside of her that it had made her stomach ache most of the day. “No, I’m okay. I ate a big lunch before we left.” _Lie_. Korra hated lying to Asami but it was better than having a heart to heart about her problems in front of Desna and Eska.

“I told you cousin Korra would disapprove of our food,” Desna muttered half-heartedly from behind the fire.

Korra’s eyes shot to Eska. “What? No, of course that’s not it!”

“We only kill the finest wildlife, cousin. We have cooked it properly all day and you refuse to eat any of it?” Eska’s tone never changed, but her eyes seemed to flicker with anger and Korra found herself backpedaling.

“N—No! I’ll eat, of course I’ll eat. I didn’t mean—“ When Asami touched her shoulder, Korra calmed down and steadied herself. “I would be honored to eat your food. What are we having?”

 “I do not know and do not care.” Eska shrugged. “I’ve already eaten. This is merely the staff’s dinner.”

“What?” Korra barked. “You mean you didn’t make this meal just for me?”

Eska let out a sharp laugh that made Asami jump as it had at her father’s party. “Your duties as the Avatar have clearly boosted your ego, cousin Korra.”

With a growl in the back of her throat, Korra closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “Look, Asami and I would like to go to bed now. We’ve got a long journey ahead of us tomorrow to the Spirit Oasis.”

“Very well.” Eska’s shoulders slumped and she glanced at her brother. “Would you take them to their room?”

“I’m already seated,” Desna returned.

“I have taken that into consideration and have decided that I do not care. I don’t wish to cross the palace halls and you will do as I say.”

Resignedly, Desna stood up and walked over to Korra and Asami. He stopped just before them and glared down at Asami, who Korra felt tense up next to her.

_Don’t say anything you’ll regret later Desna. She will punch you in the face._

“You’re very pale and you are shaking,” he said simply and Asami gave Korra a look.

“Well, it’s very cold and…I’m not from the Water Tribes.”

Desna stared at her for another long moment before nodding and walking out of the room without a word.

Korra looked back at Eska who had returned to her seat. “Why are you not following Desna? Is this another show of disrespect?”

“Oh for spirits sake,” Asami said before grabbing Korra’s hand and pulling her out of the room.

\-----------

The darkness of the bedroom felt like it was going to suffocate Korra. She’d been woken by a nightmare and her heart was racing. It was the same nightmare she’d been having for days. Waking up again in that cave, arms and legs chained and her body being pulled apart. Poison sinking into her skin, the life she imagined herself having one day being taken.

Even though she’d survived, it still felt like the person she was died that day. She would never be the same; Korra had come to terms with that. Accepting it, however, had proven far more difficult. If only because she had no idea where she was going.

Swinging her legs off the bed, Korra sat up as carefully as she could so as not to disturb Asami, who was gently snoring beside her. The one constant in all the chaos that came after that day was Asami. Korra loved her--there was nothing in this world she loved more and that was scary. It was scary because Korra’s future seemed so cloudy now. This Spirit Oasis journey was a long shot and she knew it. If it failed, Korra was prepared for the next step, the last desperate attempt to find herself was to truly lose herself again.

To leave behind everything she loved and focus solely on herself.

She didn’t want to run. In fact, she was certain that Asami would never forgive her if she did. But there was no other choice, not after this long. She’d spent almost two years fighting and struggling but despite how rebuilt her body was, her mind and spirit were as damaged as ever.

Standing up, Korra pulled back her hair and fanned it across her back. It was longer and thicker than it had ever been. She hadn’t cut it in years. She pulled on a pair of sweatpants and left the guest room to wander for a bit. It was early. If she had to guess, it was probably well past midnight and yet here she was, the night before another day of walking, and the thought of falling back asleep was terrifying.

The halls of the Northern Palace were much emptier than those of her parent’s home. Everything seemed taller and hollow. There were no portraits anywhere. The lights were dimly lit and the floors were wooden and cold. Her bare feet made the ground creak with every step she took. Korra wasn’t sure where she was going or what she was looking for, just distance from her nightmare.

“It’s not safe to be out this late.” Korra jumped at the voice suddenly behind her and turned, ready to strike.

However, Eska was ready and had held up a block of ice to counter Korra’s fire strike. “Oh, I’m so sorry.” Korra pulled her hand to her side and Eska shook her head with a muted expression.

“You scare much easier now than you used to, cousin Korra.”

With a sigh, Korra looked away. “Yeah, well, there’s a lot of things about me you wouldn’t recognize anymore.”

“You say this under the assumption that I knew you at all to begin with.” Korra glanced up to see Eska studying her. She looked different in the late night with her hair tied atop her head. She wasn’t wearing her long coat anymore, just a simple nightshirt that still hung far down her body and a pair of blue pants underneath. Her eye makeup was gone and she actually looked rather cute, if not consistently exhausted with the world.

“I know we weren’t exactly close growing up.”

Eska scoffed. “You were the prodigy.”

“What?” Korra frowned at the term. Growing up all she ever felt like was an object. “You don’t know anything about my childhood.”

“The same could be said of you. Not all of us are given gifts.”

Korra rolled her eyes. “You’re one of the best waterbenders in the world, Eska. You have plenty of gifts.”

“You think I care about bending?” Eska muttered. “I am not jealous of your ability to bend elements, cousin Korra. I have no desire to create fire or move rock. What is the purpose of those talents here? It only means that people would ask more of me, as they do of you.”

With a furrowed brow, Korra crossed her arms. “Then I don’t understand.”

“Don’t understand what?”

She huffed. “Why you and your brother always hated me so much.”

Seeming very put out, Eska shook her head and exhaled tiredly. “I never hated you, cousin Korra. I hated the way that my father would introduce himself as _your_ uncle to everyone that came into our village.” Korra felt her eyes narrow at the mention of Unalaq. She’d learned more and more through the months following Unalaq’s defeat how heavily he coveted her status. How he tried, countless times, to visit her in the compound only to be turned away. Her father had never trusted him, even before Vaatu, and for good reason. Reason that Korra didn’t see years ago.

“I can’t fix who your father was, Eska. I never asked for any of this.”

Eska leveled a hard gaze on her, more emotion in her eyes than Korra had ever seen before. “He always felt as if he were the one who was supposed to sire the Avatar. That he was spiritually connected enough that it should have been him. Which, of course, made my brother and I extremely disappointing.” It was the first time Korra had ever really considered _why_ Desna and Eska cared so little when Unalaq died. Why they cared so little for anything at all. They’d fought with her, against their father, in the end because they didn’t want 10,000 years of darkness. Because they saw what their father had become.

Now though, Korra couldn’t help but wonder if they’d been searching for a reason to stand up against him far before that. “You’re not a disappointment, Eska. Neither is your brother.” She smiled at her cousin who was simply staring back at her. “You’re both a bit…strange.”

“Thank you,” Eska said sincerely and Korra chuckled.

“That doesn’t mean that I’m any better than you are because I’m the Avatar. Your father took you and your brother for granted and that was a mistake. His first of many.”

It was quiet for a moment, the both of them standing across from one another and Korra started to wonder if she should say anything else. Finally, Eska spoke again. “My father was a deplorable man, he earned his early death and the world is better without him. I have not spent one minute of my life since his demise missing him and I do not intend to do so.”

Korra chewed on her bottom lip and nodded, suddenly very thankful and appreciative for how much she loved her parents and how much she wanted to be in their arms telling them this.

“I still feel bad,” Korra whispered. “You two should have more family. We should…I should treat you more like family.”

Eska sighed. “Cousin Korra, if we were in need of you we would find you. My brother and I are not shy about seeking out help. We grew up with the idea that we were all each other had and that is how we rule the North. Together, supporting one another. We do not need more and we do not ask for more and yet…your father has contacted us every week ever since our own father left us to make sure we’re okay.”

“He has?”

“Yes, it’s both kind and annoying as he enjoys contacting us via the radio system in the extremely early hours of the morning.” Korra felt her jaw go slack and her eyes widen. She had no idea that her dad checked up on them. It made sense though; he cared about family and, much like her, probably felt responsible for them not having a father at all.

Korra smiled even brighter at her cousin who remained stone faced and steady. “Oh come on, we’re having a moment,” she teased and Eska only frowned in return. “You love me.”

“I’m returning to my room to sleep.”

“Can I have a hug first?” Korra asked, stepping closer.

Eska took a long step back. “I will cut your girlfriend’s heart out and feed it to the platypus-bears.”

“You’re such a liar,” Korra teased. “Goodnight cousin, I love you!”

“I shall have your breakfast poisoned,” Eska mumbled as she retreated and Korra could only smile.

She felt better when she returned to her room to try and fall back asleep. Sleep didn’t come, but Asami curled up against her in the night and Korra held her in her arms until the sun rose.

Korra was very aware that tomorrow might be the last good day she and Asami would ever have together.

\------------

“ _Spirits_!” Korra cried as she felt her stomach drop at the sight in front of her.

She had no idea why there was the head of a giant platypus bear hanging on the ceiling above the bed of the guest room, but in the early light of the morning it scared the crap out of her.

“Hmm…Korra?” Asami mumbled, rolling over with one eye open and hair in her mouth. Korra smiled at how adorable she looked. “Nightmare?”

“No,” Korra snickered and reached down to pull the strand from between her lips. “The stupid platypus bear above the bed scared me.”

Asami licked her lips a few times and nodded as her eyes closed again. “S’because your cousins are weird.”

“They are,” Korra agreed before lying down next to her again. “Though I had a good talk with Eska last night.”

“You were up in the night?” Asami’s eyes opened again.

Korra frowned slightly. “Yeah, but it wasn’t anything serious. I just had to walk around for a bit.”

With a sharp exhale, Asami reached out and touched Korra’s cheek. “You’re so beautiful,” she whispered and Korra felt her face instantly heat up.

“What?” she asked shyly, knowing full well she was blushing profusely.

Asami nodded with hazy eyes. “You’re just…the prettiest girl in the world.”

“You’re delusional,” Korra laughed despite the fact that her stomach was doing flips. “Early morning Asami is talking crazy again.”

“No.” Asami reached up and traced her thumb gently across Korra’s eyebrow. Her fingers buried in her hair. “Don’t ever doubt how beautiful you are, Korra.”

Something about the way Asami spoke, the truth in her eyes and the sureness in her voice made Korra suddenly feel choked up. As if in this one moment, this quiet morning in the Northern Water Tribe, no words had ever meant more to her.

She closed the distance between them and kissed Asami as tenderly as she could. Their lips meshed perfectly and Korra held them together for a while. Asami’s hands were splayed across her back and when the kiss broke, Korra used her lips to kiss every inch of Asami’s face.

Eventually she broke into soft giggles and Korra playfully started to bite on her neck.

It was happening again--she was losing herself in their love and times like this made it feel like more than enough. Korra wanted to denounce her duties altogether and find a small shack in the mountains to grow old with this girl she loved so much.

Suddenly the playful kissing turned into Korra holding Asami as close as she could. Asami seemed to be needing it just as much because she clung to Korra’s back and buried her face in Korra’s chest contently.

They stayed this way for a while, the sun continuing to rise outside as the minutes passed. At one point Korra nearly fell asleep and she was certain Asami had.

Another hour passed before Korra and Asami were both awake enough to leave their room and seek out Desna and Eska before their journey.

Korra and Asami showered together, at Korra's request. She wondered if Asami would catch on to how much Korra kept pushing herself at Asami. Desperate to have as many moments with her as she could. Asami only smiled when Korra asked to join her in the shower and was not protesting when Korra hugged her from behind as she fought with turning on the water.

Once the spray finally started, Asami turned in Korra’s arms and tipped her chin up. For a moment, Korra thought she was going to say something. Instead her hand moved up Korra’s jawline and softly ran down her neck.

Her eyes closed as Asami’s hand continued to wander between her breasts and across her stomach. Then Asami stopped her movements and Korra blinked her eyes open a few times and looked down where her hand rested. On her hip, touching Korra’s biggest and deepest scar.

“What?” Korra asked as she saw a glistening in Asami’s eyes that made her chest hurt.

Asami shook her head quickly. “Nothing,” she sniffled. “Just remembering the first time I saw this scar and how awful it was.” Korra felt her heart start to race a bit, this one simple moment between them suddenly feeling like so much more. “I held you in my arms when Kya was healing you and…I remember the scars on your back and the bruising and I just…I’m _so_ happy that you’re okay.”

Even though Korra’s mind continued to repeat the same mantra of how _not okay_ she was, it was inappropriate to say that now. Asami was bearing her soul under the warmth of the shower and the serenity of this moment between them.

“I remember.” Korra smiled, taking Asami’s hand from her hip and pulling it up to her lips. “I remember being so scared and in so much pain.” Her hands were suddenly shaky as the memories flooded back to her. “I had never been hurt like that before. Not enough to scare me like that. To make me wish—“ she stopped herself and kissed the back of Asami’s hand. “I never realized how much I could need another person until you came into my room that day and you held me. It meant everything to me and it still does.” _Stop talking, you have to stop talking or you’re going to ruin everything._ “No matter what happens after today. I will _always_ be thankful that you came into my life. I don’t think I understood what love really was until I met you. Until…you gave up so much for me.”

“Korra—“

“No,” Korra held Asami’s hand against her cheek. “You did, and I don’t want to pretend that you didn’t and I want you to know how much I love you for that.” _Even though I’ll most likely end up throwing it back in your face and abandoning you._ “I love you.”

Asami closed the distance between them and hugged Korra tightly. They held each other under the water as Asami peppered kisses along Korra’s shoulder and collarbone.

The more she thought about today, the more Korra was certain that if the Spirit Oasis gave her any hope of full recovery, she was going to ask Asami to marry her. 

\---------------

“Wow,” Asami whispered gently as she looked around at the climbing mountain and trickling waterfall that flowed behind the oasis.

Korra felt a new kind of energy flowing around it. It was intoxicating, like every element was prickling at her fingertips, at the ready and more intense than ever before. She walked softly, as if her footsteps might disturb thousands of years of history in this place. History that was connected to her, that meant something to her.

When Tenzin had suggested the idea, Korra was certain it would be pointless. Now though, as she felt the atmosphere of the oasis around her, she wondered if she might regain her Avatar spirit today.

“So what do we do?” Asami asked as Korra slowly looked down at her, realizing that she’d all but fallen into a trance at the sensations the air was giving her.

“Uh.” Korra swallowed the lump in her throat, strangely emotional even standing here. “I—I don’t know; I need to use these waters to try and…heal my body or at least see if I can figure out what’s wrong with me.”

Asami’s face flinched at the word ‘ _wrong_ ’ but she restrained herself from saying anything. Which Korra was thankful for because the entire situation had her on edge. She was desperate for this to work, anxious to know if it would and terrified to find out it wouldn’t. There was so much going on in her own head that she wasn’t certain she could control what her mouth said.

Shedding her backpack, Korra sat down in the grass and started to peel off her armbands and take off her boots. Without much else to do, Asami went to work on Korra’s other shoe while she tied up her hair in a ponytail to get it out of the way.

“Are you gonna climb in there?” Asami asked as she glanced back at the small pond.

“No.” Korra shook her head. “I don’t think the spirits would like that too much. But I can borrow some of the water and see if it does anything. Then maybe…I don’t know, tap into my Avatar spirit and go into the Avatar state.”

Asami pulled Korra’s boot off and sat it next to the other. “So why are we taking off your boots?”

“Well,” Korra smirked. “I mean it can’t hurt to dip my toes in. I hear the water here is really warm.”

“Well that’s just great.” Asami groaned as a gust of wind passed over them. “It’s freezing cold and you, the Water Tribe girl, get to dip your toes in the warm water.”

Korra grinned softly. “You can too if you want. We just have to be respectful."

“I _am_ a great source of pleasure for the Avatar, I think I’ve earned a warm foot bath.”

“Oh you think because we have…” Korra was suddenly very aware of every great moment in history that had happened here. “ _Sex_ , that you get some sort of spiritual pass?”

Asami chuckled. “Well, _yeah_!”

They both laughed for a moment but eventually it died down. Korra sat by the water with her boots off, her pant legs rolled up, and just stared at the water. She was scared. Scared to know the truth or scared of not knowing anything new at all. If this water healed her, she would be back. If she could enter the Avatar state then she could _be_ the Avatar again and return to the city to help re-stabilize the world.

Which meant responsibility, and putting herself back out there. The last time she’d done that, traveling across the Earth Kingdom to find new airbenders, a pack of terrorists tried to kill her. Tried so hard, in fact, that they broke her body and made her wish she _had_ died _._ What if they came back for her? What if there were more? Of course there were more. Her uncle was one and Zaheer came out of nowhere.

Wouldn’t it be easier if she just stayed with Asami and forgot her duties? They could stay in the south and live out their lives together.

As those thoughts flooded her mind, Korra glanced at the reflection of the crystal clear pond in front of her. The glowing white eyes of her stalking vision were all she saw in return. She glanced up to where it might be in front of her, but it wasn’t. There was nothing but the hovering mountain and the waterfall cascading quietly behind them.

“Hey?” Asami called and Korra snapped a look at her in surprise. “Whoa, it’s just me.” Asami smiled. “Are you okay?”

Korra swallowed thickly. “Y—yeah, sorry, I just got a little lost in my head.” She smiled as best she could. “Guess I better get started huh?”

Slowly, Korra scooted to the edge of the pond and carefully dipped her feet in. The water was surprisingly warm and welcoming. She had to resist the urge not to jump in completely. Instead she took a few deep breaths to calm herself down before lifting her hands to pull some of the water towards her.

It rose with ease, the energy of this place making bending feel so natural. Like extensions of her own limbs. It was as easy as it had ever been. Almost as if she were in the Avatar state and pulling all four elements at will. She wrapped the water around her neck and it started to hum and glow. Korra closed her eyes and moved it across her back.

She searched for anything she could find as the water moved against her. Anything that might catch or feel off. She was not the most talented healer in the world, but if there was something as significantly wrong as she assumed there had to be, she would find it.

The lower she moved down her back, the more frustrated she became. That was where the bulk of her physical injuries had been, in her lower back and hips. Yes, she could run again and move without pain, but she was still a step slow. Before coming here, bending elements was still a challenge and maintaining them was even worse.

However, there was nothing, no sign of lasting injury or physical ailment that was holding her back.

She moved the water faster as desperation started to set in. It ran across her legs and she pooled it over her bare arms. Nothing. She took it over her chest and checked her lungs and her heart, both of which seemed fine and then ran the water over her face.

Still nothing.

There was nothing she could find.

Korra dropped the water back into the pool, her chest heaving as the worry settled in. She placed her hands at her sides and dug her fingers into the grass.

She tried with everything she had to tap into the Avatar state. To channel every drop of power she had into unleashing it. She wanted to feel that rush, that surge boil through her body and exalt itself out of her.

Her body pushed, she felt her fingers dig into the dirt beneath the grass and her heels pressing into the side of the small pond. Her face clenched up in agony as the effort started to singe at her lower back. She was pushing too hard but maybe she had to. If she could get past the pain she could touch Raava and rediscover who she was.

_Just a little more. Keep fighting. Keep pressing._

“Korra!” Asami’s voice caused everything to fall away. The pressure building in her back, the effort she was using to reach the places in her mind that felt locked away--it was all gone and the reality set in. She couldn’t find anything wrong with her.

These were the spirit waters. The most powerful healing substance in the world. If there was any place where she could figure out what was wrong, this was it. The spiritual energy around her was remarkable and despite feeling the way her body vibrated just being here, the Avatar state was no longer something she could find.

“It’s gone,” she whispered, her voice cracking slightly as every bit of fight dropped out of her. “I can’t find Raava. She’s gone.” Korra bent the water from her clothes and gently laid it back into the pool before pulling her feet out.

“Korra,” Asami whispered as Korra pulled her knees to her chest and hugged herself tightly. “You’ll figure it out, I promise. I know I keep saying it but you _will_.” She felt Asami’s lips press against her temple and her forehead before touching her cheeks and her nose. “I love you, Korra.” Asami was crying and Korra wanted to reach out and ask her why. See if she was okay, but Korra’s body was numb. She just wanted to be away from this place. To be away from everything and disappear. Who was she? She didn’t recognize her own body anymore. Everything she was supposed to be was gone.

There was nothing left. Just Korra, useless Korra who would never be anything but a failure.

Before she could process anything else, Asami was pulling her legs down and climbing into her lap. “What are you—“ Asami silenced her with a searing kiss and Korra tried to pull back for a moment before the feeling of Asami’s tongue on her lips drew her in. She planted a hand behind her for balance before using the other to palm Asami’s back.

When the kiss broke, Asami stared down at her with swollen lips and sympathetic eyes. “I love you,” she repeated and Korra realized she hadn’t said it before.

“I—I love you too,” she said through a crack in her throat.

Asami reached up and brushed a tear from her cheek. When Asami kissed her again, Korra knew what she was doing. The comfort she was offering.

Korra was too weak to deny her need for security. Too weak to deny the truth that had been on her mind for weeks.

There was nothing left here to help her. Only Asami, and that wasn’t enough for either of them.

So she would give them tonight, and destroy everything tomorrow.


	8. Dear Asami

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Korra makes her decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two down, one to go.

_"It seemed almost impossible that I was leaving you. I thought of all the yesterdays the good ones and the bad. I thought of all the love we shared, and all the fun we had. If I could relive yesterday, just even for a while, I’d say goodbye and kiss you and maybe see you smile. But then I fully realized that this could never be, For emptiness and memories would take the place of me." - David Romano_

\--------------

Korra woke to the sound of the gentle waterfall flowing in the distance. She was lying on the hard ground, her back a bit discomforted and a rock poking into her thigh. The soft rhythm of breathing next to her drew Korra’s attention to Asami fast asleep and half naked.

They’d had sex. It was intense, loud and passionate. For Korra, it was an attempt to chase away the harshest of demons and, in the moment, it worked. She could remember taking Asami right there in the grass. Legs wrapped around her head and a hand buried in her hair. Asami’s cries echoing off the rocks around them, Korra wondering what shame they’d wrought on this sacred place.

Asami had been so tired afterwards that Korra laid down next to her and covered her with a pelt.

Rolling over, Korra was face to face with the woman she loved. Asami slept so peacefully, so quietly, Korra would often check to make sure she was still breathing. Lifting her finger and placing it under Asami’s nose, she felt her breath tickling her skin and smiled.

She pushed her hand into Asami’s hair and ran her fingers through it.

The strangest thing about this morning was how calm Korra felt. The decision had been made, it was terrible and it would hurt for a very long time, but she was glad to have made it. She was ready, and felt comfortable knowing she’d have some distance for herself.

It was an unfamiliar feeling, to be so desperate for isolation. That was what Korra had fought against so much growing up. Trying so hard to be near her family when she was at the compound. Meeting Tenzin’s family and not wanting to be apart from them. Going to Republic City and finding Mako and Bolin, her fire ferrets. She felt guilty for having not spoken to them in so long.

Then there was Asami, her best friend who _always_ supported her. The prissy, beautiful, elegant rich girl who was the most important thing in her life.

She would be forever, no matter how far Korra ran.

When she finally started moving, Korra shifted to her knees and stared at the mess of their clothes scattered around. Asami’s pants were lying next to Korra’s shirt. Asami had actually kept her white top on because the grass was cold and wet against her back.

Korra didn’t care, she wanted to feel everything. The energy during their night together--something about this place--made it feel different. Like every muscle in her body and each nerve was on fire. It was their most intense night together without a doubt.

_The perfect way to say goodbye_.

Korra groaned inaudibly in frustration before standing up and gathering her clothes.

Just as Korra pulled her armbands on, Asami hummed on the ground below her. “Korra?”

“Hey you,” Korra looked down as Asami hugged the pelt to her chest and smiled.

“You’re still—“ a flash of hesitation crossed Asami’s expression. She recovered quickly with an even brighter smile. “You’re still naked.”

“I’ve got my armbands on.” Korra noted as she flexed her right arm and made Asami laugh before pulling up her pants. “You’ve got my favorite pelt.”

Asami shook her head and tucked the fur up to her face. “S’my favorite pelt.”

Despite the grin she wore, something about the way Asami said that broke Korra’s heart. It was like realizing everything that she was going to lose. All these things she was going to miss out on. The way Asami spoke to her, the way Asami made her feel. She was terrified of letting that go.

“You don’t even know which pelt that is.” Noted Korra.

Asami shrugged. “Favorite,” she sat up and held it over her chest. “Can you hand me my clothes?”

Doing as requested, Korra carried Asami’s shirt and pants to her before picking up her vest and slipping it on. Refocusing on the water in the oasis that hadn’t healed her, Korra wondered if she should take some with her. She had brought a water pouch for that very reason. If it had helped her she wanted some for later just in case.

Fetching the pouch from her bag, Korra knelt down by the pond and fished some out.

“Are you allowed to do that?” Asami asked from behind her.

Korra closed the lid with water inside and stood back up. “It’s fine,” she said. “There’s plenty of water and this spirit water is really powerful for healing. It saved Aang’s life once.”

“I know,” Asami smiled. “I’ve heard the story of how Katara saved him.” She gave a knowing look. “Saving the Avatar is tricky business.”

“It is,” Korra laughed, despite the nagging ache in her chest. Asami had been trying to save her for years now and Korra refused to let her. Some part of her mind refused to open up enough to be rescued and she hated it. Asami deserved someone who wouldn’t hide from her. Korra wanted to be that person, but she couldn’t because Asami was too naturally comforting and it wasn’t Asami’s _job_ to carry her through the rest of this life. “It’s a thankless job really.”

“Ha,” Asami flushed profusely as she buttoned her coat. “You thanked the hell out of me last night.”

It was Korra’s turn to feel heat touch her cheeks. “I uh—was that okay?”

“What?” Asami raised a brow. “Korra I started it.”

“I know but…” Korra was suddenly feeling very ashamed. Asami _had_ started it, but Korra quickly took over and went a little overboard. Flipping them around, putting Asami on her back and…taking her. She hadn’t been gentle, not like normal. She was so desperate to feel anything but the sinking loss that she just attacked what was in front of her. What she craved. It was more one sided than any time they’d had together. Korra rubbed her arm nervously. “I didn’t mean to be so…aggressive.”

Asami stepped forward and touched her shoulder. “It’s fine, Korra. You didn’t hurt me.”

“No?”

“No,” promised Asami before kissing her nose. “It was really great, I’ve never felt anything like it before.”

Korra nodded in agreement. “Me either. I—I didn’t know doing that could make _me_ feel so good.”

Asami took her hand as she bent down to pick up her pack. “Well when we get back I’ll be sure and return the favor since we both fell asleep so fast.”

It was early morning, they had the rest of this day together and Korra had no intention of spoiling that.

Instead, she stepped up behind Asami and wrapped her arms around her waist. “Sounds like a plan to me.” She kissed Asami’s neck and made her giggle as they left the Spirit Oasis.

Despite the disappointment, Korra felt strangely at ease. At least the decision was made.

\-----------

Korra sat with her leg bent up and a notepad resting against it as she wrote. The words poured out like water and even though Asami and her parents were in the same room, nobody really asked any questions when she requested a little quiet time to write.

She’d told them it was to gather her thoughts, something Jinora had told her might be a good thing to do. And while she did think Jinora was right, that wasn’t what she was doing.

Pausing at the end of a sentence, she glanced over to where her father was gesturing dramatically as he regaled Asami with the story of the one time he tried (and failed) to ride Naga.

Her mother was laughing happily, watching her father with the same love that Korra always remembered seeing in her eyes. She was so happy that they were still happy. Despite her outspoken disgust of hearing or seeing them being physical with each other, she was thrilled that they seemed to love each other as much now as they always had.

This helped ease her mind. Knowing that they had each other and they would be okay. To see Asami next to them, openly enjoying the story and laughing at all her dad’s silly jokes, she hoped they’d take care of her too.

She knew they would. If her father was still keeping up with Desna and Eska, he’d split oceans if Asami needed him.

“Sweetheart?” Korra shifted her focus to her mother. “Dinner is going to be ready soon, are you eating with us tonight?”

Korra smiled and stood up, carefully tucking the sheet of paper in her back pocket. “Sure, let me go wash up and I’ll be back.”

Asami watched her from the couch but didn’t follow and Korra went to the closest bathroom and closed the door.

She rested her head against it, suddenly blindsided with the thought that tomorrow morning she’d be waking up somewhere else alone. Truth was, she’d probably still be on the raft she’d sought out to take.

Korra had no real destination in mind. She wanted to explore somewhere new. With her bending skills, she wasn’t limited to where she _could_ go, other than getting seriously lost, there was no immediate threat she couldn’t handle.

It would be easier if Korra knew what she was searching for. Then again, if she knew that, she could probably avoid this whole thing.

The one question that rang through Korra’s mind the most was why she wouldn’t just tell Asami what she needed. It would be so simple to tell her that she needed space to figure this out. Tell her that she wanted to explore the world and search out a fix for her ailments.

Because Asami would go with her and in some strange way that she couldn’t really explain, Korra didn’t want that.

Maybe it was the visions that haunted her, and the fear of those slipping out that drove her to isolation. If Asami knew she might think less of her. At what point would Korra’s mental instability become more than Asami could handle? Korra didn’t want to be an obligation, she wanted to be a lover. A girlfriend, or perhaps even a wife someday. If Asami knew how broken she was, the line might blur and Korra would always fear that Asami stayed with her because she was too scared to leave her shattered Avatar.

_The fact that you even think that of her shows how little you deserve her._

Korra turned around and started the sink. She cupped water in her hands and splashed her face. This was not how she wanted tonight to go. This was about enjoying her family and laughing, making them assume she was doing okay. That she was accepting things and adjusting. If it were only that simple. If the world didn’t need her to be more than she could settle for being this.

“I’ll be better,” Korra whispered at the mirror. Staring at her reflection and feeling surprised at how much she looked exactly like she had before. It bothered her that she could look so normal yet feel so abnormal. Like this shell was what kept the real world from figuring out how hard it was for her to get through each day. How much she doubted herself, belittled herself and constantly fought with this idea that she wasn’t good enough.

Her gaze shifted to a knife on the sink. It was her father’s and she’d seen him use it before to make pelts and pouches. She picked it up and held it for a moment. It was heavy and perfectly balanced as she placed it on her fingertips. Korra flipped it into the air slightly and caught it at the hilt.

Slipping it into the sheath on the counter, she put it in her pants pocket with the intention of sticking it in her bag she’d been loading up quietly for the last few days. She knew her dad had wanted her to have it, she considered this an advanced hand me down.

Something to remember him with, something to use and think of him wherever this journey might take her.  

The first thing she would use it for would be to give herself a new look. A fresh start, as soon as she reached her first stop.

There was a knock on the door. “Korra?” Asami called and it was another reminder of how they worried about her. Even if she stayed in the bathroom too long they worried.

When they woke up tomorrow and she was gone it would be even worse.

_You’ll be safe and they know that, they won’t fear for your life. They’ll just miss you._

“Because that’s so much better,” she spoke softly before turning and opening the door with a smile. “Hey you,” she kissed Asami quickly and made her laugh breathily.

“You’re in a good mood, all things considered.” Asami noted as Korra pulled her in by the waist.

Korra shrugged. “It’s been a good day, all things considered.” She repeated with a smirk that Asami shared. “I didn’t have the highest hopes for the oasis but...I’ll figure it out. And Mom is making my favorite food. I can’t begin to explain how excited I am for that.” It was only half true. She ate better when her mom made sea prune stew, but she wasn’t that hungry. She was too overcome with stress and concern over what the next few days would be like for Asami. For all of them.

\-------------

“Mmmm…Korra?” The guilt sunk in deep as Asami sleepily muttered her name. Korra was just climbing out of bed when Asami stirred.

Standing up, Korra turned around to see Asami looking up at her from the pillow. It was dark in their room, the middle of the night and Korra had been waiting for her courage to build up enough to actually do this.

“Hey,” she smiled as best she could. Thankful for the darkness because it shadowed the anxiety she was certain her face gave away. “Sorry, I had to go to the bathroom.”

Asami sniffed a bit and nodded against her pillow. “Okay,” she whispered as sleep started to overtake her again.

With heat burning behind her eyes, Korra turned and walked into the bathroom. She closed the door behind her and pressed her shaking hands against the wall to keep herself steady.

This was it, earlier this same day she’d been so sure this was the right decision. Now this sudden fear was starting to push doubt into her mind. She wanted to heal _herself_ , at the very least, she wanted to travel and grow. To be better so she could come back and be the person Asami deserved.

To bring back the Avatar the world deserved.

Korra faced the sink and knelt down to open the drawer underneath. She pulled out the bag she’d stowed away. There wasn’t much in it, mostly just a few changes of clothes and her father’s knife.

She held it in front of her and glanced back at the door. She could unpack this bag and climb into bed with Asami and let it all go. In a way, if she did that, she would never return to Republic City unless Asami wanted to. They could stay here in the south and maybe start looking for their own place to live. Asami could start working here. She’d revolutionize the Southern Water Tribe, Korra had no doubt about that.

They could go to the festivals every year and travel to the North Pole with her parents to visit family. She would write letters to Mako and Bolin, finally, and tell them she was better but they were happy here.

_You don’t know if she’s happy here. You just know that she’d never tell you if she wasn’t. Republic City is her home and you took that away from her. She gave up everything for you and you’re just going to let that be okay?_

Korra stood up, her courage wavering as she put the backpack over her shoulder. She had to leave, there was no other choice because she had to be strong enough on her own to survive. She couldn’t rely on Asami to carry her forever. It wasn’t fair, it would never be fair, to _need_ Asami as much as she did.

_You have to fix this yourself. Either fix it yourself or be destroyed by it alone._

Reaching into her back pants pocket, Korra pulled out the letter she’d written. Nobody had questioned her writing today, not when she’d told them what Jinora said. Perhaps it would have been better to write that than this. But this was all she had.

Once she stepped back out of the bathroom quietly, the darkness of the room returned and was harder to see. She shuffled as quietly as she could back to the bed and could hear the soft, steady breaths Asami was taking. Korra clutched the note as tightly as possible. Hoping with everything she had that she’d conveyed enough feeling in this one letter to remind Asami of how much she loved her.

She carefully placed it on the table next to the bed and restrained herself from kissing Asami’s forehead.

With one last look, Korra turned and left their room.

The palace hallways were a blur. She wouldn’t allow herself to see her parents. She’d left enough in her note to Asami for them. They would read it together and maybe cry, maybe they’d be thankful she was gone. No more burden on them.

_Don’t think like that, you know they won’t._

Maybe Korra _hoped_ they would, it would make this easier. Knowing she wasn’t hurting anyone with this decision. It was _her_ life and _she_ had to live with herself and she couldn’t do that knowing she’d let them take care of her when she was too weak to make herself healthier.

Once she was outside, Korra ran as fast as she could to the docks. Her feet moved through the snow as her vision continued to blur with unshed tears. Her head was filled with so many thoughts that she could barely register the sounds of footsteps clamoring behind her.

Just as she reached her little sail boat meant to take her away from this place, she looked back to see Naga standing behind her with her tail wagging.

“Naga,” whispered Korra. “What are you _doing_? You…you have to go back.” The polar bear-dog merely whimpered and took a step closer to her. She buried her head in Korra’s chest and the tears spilled over. “ _No_ ,” Korra hugged Naga tightly before stepping back. When her oldest friend tried to follow her, Korra raised her voice. “No! _Stay_!” Naga dropped her head and Korra felt even worse. “I _love_ you, Naga. I’m _so_ sorry for this but I have to go. I have to…try. I’ll be back, I promise.”

Stepping onto the boat, Korra put her bag down and swirled her hands a bit to draw out some wind for her sail. It began to move almost immediately and as the boat drifted from the shore, she heard the water splashing around and saw Naga trying to follow her.

“Naga no! _Please_!” Korra screamed, scared someone might hear her. “You get back on the shore and you stay!” Naga wouldn’t listen. She kept swimming and Korra was certain she would follow her for as long as she could but it wasn’t safe and Korra couldn’t allow her to continue.

She pushed at the water with her bending, driving it back towards Naga and in one motion she scooped her best friend up with a current and softly sat her back down on the shore. Naga stumbled for a second before shaking off and howling into the sky.

“You stay! _Please_ stay!” Korra sobbed as she slid to her knees and wiped furiously at her eyes.

For a split second, Korra thought about jumping into the water and swimming back. She knew that if she did though, they would all see how broken she was and her distance from them would only get worse.

So she turned around and pushed harder at her sail. She refused to look back, refused to give herself the chance to change her mind.

Korra had no idea where she was going, but all she hoped was that her family would forgive her when she returned.

\-----------

Asami sat down heavily in the chair and laid her head back against the wall behind her and closed her eyes. She just wanted the churning in her stomach to go away. Over the last few weeks since Korra left she’d barely been able to eat and had struggled to find sleep.

Days came and went in a blur, she only finally ate when Senna brought her things and sat with her until she finished.

Tonraq had taken up making her go places with him. Using that same sad expression his daughter had mastered to make her do things she didn’t want to.

She could only wonder how they were handling this so well. At first they’d been as heartbroken as she was, but a week later they’d focused more on making her feel better than their own loss.

It wasn’t a loss, not like with her mother. Korra was just… _away_. She’d taken off in the middle of the night and left Asami alone. There was part of Asami that was furious. A part of her that wanted to chase Korra down and tell her face to face that she _never_ wanted to see her again.

Then there was the rational part of her that saw this coming for weeks. Those quiet voices in the back of her mind that had told her Korra wasn’t okay. When Asami would wake up in the night and see Korra close her eyes. Pretend to be asleep when she wasn’t. The way Korra would choke down food, even her favorites, just because it made everyone else happy.

Asami wanted to believe that she could fix everything. The idea to come with Korra stemmed from her own fear of not being here. Of not being able to protect her and keep her safe. It was also a selfish need. She’d grown so used to Korra being in her life every single day. Waking up without her now was...brutal.

Now she was the one alone and in need of comfort. She wanted to wake up one morning and have Korra standing by the bed saying she’d found what she was looking for. Saying that she was never leaving again.

As each day passed, Asami knew that wasn’t coming, not any time soon. Wherever Korra was, she didn’t want anyone to know.

So she could only hope that Korra was okay. That she was taking care of herself. Who would help her through a panic attack? Would anyone be there to trace their fingers over her face and help her fall asleep?

_No, because she didn’t want that. She wanted to be able to be okay on her own. Not with your help_. _Not with anyone’s help._

Another flip in Asami’s stomach clogged her brain. She’d felt miserable for days, lightheadedness and vomiting. She was here now with the hope Katara would know what was wrong.

Sitting up, Asami dug into the pocket of her jacket and pulled out the letter.

She’d read it over a hundred times since that morning. The moment she saw the empty spot on the bed next to her, she knew. Korra had had many mornings where she woken up first and went for a run or had ended up sleeping with Naga. Things had improved greatly in her last few weeks. But that morning, Asami was certain Korra was gone.

This letter only proved her right.

Carefully, Asami unfolded it and felt her lips twitch at Korra’s scratchy handwriting. The letter was as impatient as Korra herself. So much of who she was came across in the way she wrote.

Asami swallowed the bad taste in her mouth and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.

_Dear Asami,_

_I don’t think I’ll be able to explain to why I’m doing what I’m doing in this letter. If only because I don’t really know myself. I’m just so lost right now and I can’t understand why this isn’t enough. But it’s not. I’m not enough for you and I’m not enough for me and that’s not okay._

_I love you, please remember that while I’m gone. I love you so much and I’m doing this because I want to be able to deserve it and deserve you and deserve to be the Avatar and I just want to be myself again. I want to wake up and feel okay._

_One of the things that scares me is that this is just a part of who I am now. Maybe that’s true and maybe that’s what I need to accept while I’m gone. That this is just a part of me and I have to adjust. Or maybe it’s something else, maybe I’m still not okay and I need to find someone who can help me get there. Or find someway to get there myself. I don’t know._

_Maybe._

_Maybe._

_That’s all I have right now are maybes and it’s driving me crazy not knowing._

_Just please please don’t think this is because of you. You’re the one thing in the world that I had to hold on to for so long and my feelings for you have not changed. I’m sure that when I come back you’ll have moved on, you might even hate me and if you do I’ll understand. I’ll probably even deserve it. I’m sorry, I’ll never be able to fully express how sorry I am for this but I can’t pretend anymore that this is okay. I can’t use you to make myself feel better anyone because it’s not fair and it’s not what I wanted our relationship to be._

_Please look after mom and dad, and Tenzin and Jinora and Ikki and everyone else. And let them look after you too. They love you and I want you to do something great with your life. I know you gave up your company for me, go get it back if you can. Start a new one if you want. Do what makes you happy because if you’re happy then that will be enough for me._

_I love you and I’m lost but I know that I love you and I wish I knew what was coming next or if I knew Katara was right and this would all be worth it someday but right now I don’t and it’s really scary._

_Wherever I am, I’m probably thinking about you and I hope the next time I see you, you’re smiling. Even if it’s not for me._

_I love you, Asami Sato. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me, and I can bend all four elements._

_Take care of yourself, I promise to do the same._

_Love, Korra_

Looking away from the letter, Asami closed it and gently tucked it back into her coat pocket.

The door opened and Katara was smiling sympathetically at Asami who tried her best to return it.

“Come on then, let’s see what’s bothering you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part three coming soon. Rebuild. 
> 
> Thoughts?


End file.
